A few nuggets of knowledge for you:
1. God dwells in darkness. (Another theme from my Old Testament class.) The idea here is not that God is somehow evil or shrouded in smoke (even though that does happen.) But the idea is that darkness, for the Israelites at least, was a time of rest. Thus, this was a time of devotion and focus on God. Darkness is also a place of trust.
2. Atonement theory is much more complicated than I ever recognized, but also simpler, in a way. Eventually, it all comes down to one thing: Jesus gave the Father what we couldn't.
3. It's a lot easier to eat healthier when you're buying your own groceries. A bunch of bananas, for example, is like $1.50, as compared to things like chips or cheese or whatever, which are usually at least $4 and last half as long.
4. I am simultaneously organized and sloppy. Anyone who has ever seen my living spaces will know this to be true.
5. I am only productive when stressed, apparently. If I get the least bit stressed, I can sit down for hours at a time and do nothing but homework. Without that motivator, though, I will definitely spend an entire night on Facebook.
And, a follow-up on my last post. I've gotten a few responses, and I'm so grateful for each of them. My mind changes almost every day, sometimes several times a day. There are mornings when I wake up and say, 'that's it, I'm done', only to go to class and say 'now this is why I'm in seminary.' And the opposite happens, too. I'll finish out this semester, since it would be stupid not to, but if I can find a job between now and then I might take a semester off, just to see what else might be out there.
I know that I have a lot of growing to do before I can be a full-time pastor, chaplain, or whatever. I don't know if that growth will be smushed into three years of seminary, or spread out over some time taken away from school, but someday, I'll get to where I need to be.
All that said, I don't know where I'll be come January. I could be in the middle of Africa for all I know right now, and I'm at least a little OK with that. (PS: if anyone has suggestions, now would be the time for that...)
Monday, October 31, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
What would happen if...
I just left here at the end of the year, or the semester?
I really don't want to leave Servant's, but I don't know how much longer I can survive at Western without losing my sanity. The classes and professors are wonderful, but I don't have any real friends here, and I don't really foresee finding those in the near future. I can't function without some sort of social interaction beyond "so, have you done that theology paper yet?"
I'm highly considering getting a job somewhere, or transferring to the other school I was considering in Chicago. It's not an RCA seminary, which would mean coming here for a few classes anyway, but I could deal with that.
I'm not sure what to do with this overwhelming feeling that I don't belong here. There is not a single part of me that has peace about this. To be honest, the only thing keeping me here is Servant's Community Church. I love that place, and the people in it, more than anything else in Michigan right now.
But after I've told so many people that I love it here, how can I tell them that I might not be staying?
I really don't want to leave Servant's, but I don't know how much longer I can survive at Western without losing my sanity. The classes and professors are wonderful, but I don't have any real friends here, and I don't really foresee finding those in the near future. I can't function without some sort of social interaction beyond "so, have you done that theology paper yet?"
I'm highly considering getting a job somewhere, or transferring to the other school I was considering in Chicago. It's not an RCA seminary, which would mean coming here for a few classes anyway, but I could deal with that.
I'm not sure what to do with this overwhelming feeling that I don't belong here. There is not a single part of me that has peace about this. To be honest, the only thing keeping me here is Servant's Community Church. I love that place, and the people in it, more than anything else in Michigan right now.
But after I've told so many people that I love it here, how can I tell them that I might not be staying?
Sunday, October 23, 2011
I think I'm missing something...
I think I should be a lot more stressed out right now. I have this picture of graduate school in my head, and what's happening now definitely does not fit that picture.
For example: after writing that first sentence, I got a little stressed out and did all of my homework through Wednesday. I even finished a paper three days before it's due.
I'm not really sure whether to be proud of myself for being so ridiculously ahead of things, or to be sad because this means I have no life whatsoever.
For example: after writing that first sentence, I got a little stressed out and did all of my homework through Wednesday. I even finished a paper three days before it's due.
I'm not really sure whether to be proud of myself for being so ridiculously ahead of things, or to be sad because this means I have no life whatsoever.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Well, the world didn't end yesterday...
...but it might tomorrow! Why's that, you ask?
I just finished an entire draft of a paper three days before it's due. I don't even know what to do with this right now. In theory, I could just turn it in and never think about it again. But since it's an atonement theory paper, and I don't really feel like getting branded a heretic my first semester here, I think I'll turn it in to the Writing Studio first and have them look over it.
[Translation: it's a paper about how exactly the whole salvation in Jesus thing works, and if I screw this up, it might end badly. Thus, it's going to the free peer-review writing people.]
As you can probably tell, it's been a long day of brain-draining atonement theory ridiculousness. Therefore, I'm going to bed before I can use 'thus' or 'therefore' again.
Also: I might post more pictures soon, if I can get to them, so be on the lookout!
I just finished an entire draft of a paper three days before it's due. I don't even know what to do with this right now. In theory, I could just turn it in and never think about it again. But since it's an atonement theory paper, and I don't really feel like getting branded a heretic my first semester here, I think I'll turn it in to the Writing Studio first and have them look over it.
[Translation: it's a paper about how exactly the whole salvation in Jesus thing works, and if I screw this up, it might end badly. Thus, it's going to the free peer-review writing people.]
As you can probably tell, it's been a long day of brain-draining atonement theory ridiculousness. Therefore, I'm going to bed before I can use 'thus' or 'therefore' again.
Also: I might post more pictures soon, if I can get to them, so be on the lookout!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Apparently, the world is ending today.
Just thought you might want to know that.
[Yes, this is another Harold Camping prediction. Do I actually think the world will end in a ball of fire before midnight tonight? Nope.]
[Yes, this is another Harold Camping prediction. Do I actually think the world will end in a ball of fire before midnight tonight? Nope.]
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Whirlwind
Last weekend consisted of a whirlwind tour of Illinois, which looked something like this:
I arrived in Fulton at about 5:30 pm on Friday, stayed with my parents that night, and left for Galesburg at about 8:30 am. I arrived in Galesburg around 10, and spent the day catching up with some wonderful people (and met a few new ones!) I grudgingly left the Burg around 8 pm, and arrived back in Fulton somewhere around 9:30 after getting stuck behind a combine for about 20 minutes. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday morning were spent in Fulton, and I arrived back in Holland around 9:30 last night.
Sunday morning, I went to church in Fulton and was finally introduced to Second as a seminary student and a classis candidate. I kind of did things backward before I left, and the consistory recommended me to the classis without telling the congregation first. Thus, my pastor and I finally told them this weekend. The reactions I got were interesting:
The very first person I saw after church (who has known me since before I was born), said good-naturedly: "Well, I didn't see THAT coming! But, I guess, neither did you..."
Most others offered congratulations, which I thought was a little awkward. "Congratulations, you're called to ministry!" just sounds a little weird.
The best reaction of the day came from the mayor's wife, who said something to the effect of "Yes! We need more strong women in the church. Good for you!"
Luckily, no one said anything to me about being female in ministry. I'm sure that there are a few who aren't really OK with that, but they didn't say anything to me on Sunday, at least.
All in all, the weekend was a successfully awkward break from thinking and papers, and I so loved seeing so many smiling, familiar faces. Now, I'm back in class, back to my routine, and it's still blowing my mind.
Old Testament is by far my favorite class. We spent more than an hour yesterday trying to define the word 'holy' in a way that we could understand, so that we could really get into the text with the same mindset as the people who wrote it. (Or at least as close to that as we can get.) One of my biggest pet peeves is when people use words that they don't really have a definition for. I don't think we really got a solid definition, but it was a good conversation at least.
Now, in my Church History class, we're somewhere in the midst of Gnosticism, and we're studying the origins of the creeds and church structures, which the nerd in me is just giddy about. This shouldn't surprise me, but all of my classes are kind of flowing together. What we talk about in Theology and Worship finds its way into Church History and Congregational Studies. Greek words keep popping up everywhere, and theological ideas like recapitulation are finding their way into all of my classes, it seems. (Sidebar: recapitulation, on a basic level, is the idea that Jesus undid everything that Adam did wrong, thus putting the Head (Jesus) back on the Body (God's people.) I'm a huge nerd, and so I love throwing around words like soteriology and recapitulation. I promise to not turn my posts into theological treatises.)
Now that I've successfully delayed studying for my Greek quiz for another 20 minutes, here's another edition of plus/minus:
MINUS: I do far too much driving. I wish I could bike or walk to Servant's, but 30 miles is a bit too much.
PLUS: I really do love my classes--even Greek!
I arrived in Fulton at about 5:30 pm on Friday, stayed with my parents that night, and left for Galesburg at about 8:30 am. I arrived in Galesburg around 10, and spent the day catching up with some wonderful people (and met a few new ones!) I grudgingly left the Burg around 8 pm, and arrived back in Fulton somewhere around 9:30 after getting stuck behind a combine for about 20 minutes. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday morning were spent in Fulton, and I arrived back in Holland around 9:30 last night.
Sunday morning, I went to church in Fulton and was finally introduced to Second as a seminary student and a classis candidate. I kind of did things backward before I left, and the consistory recommended me to the classis without telling the congregation first. Thus, my pastor and I finally told them this weekend. The reactions I got were interesting:
The very first person I saw after church (who has known me since before I was born), said good-naturedly: "Well, I didn't see THAT coming! But, I guess, neither did you..."
Most others offered congratulations, which I thought was a little awkward. "Congratulations, you're called to ministry!" just sounds a little weird.
The best reaction of the day came from the mayor's wife, who said something to the effect of "Yes! We need more strong women in the church. Good for you!"
Luckily, no one said anything to me about being female in ministry. I'm sure that there are a few who aren't really OK with that, but they didn't say anything to me on Sunday, at least.
All in all, the weekend was a successfully awkward break from thinking and papers, and I so loved seeing so many smiling, familiar faces. Now, I'm back in class, back to my routine, and it's still blowing my mind.
Old Testament is by far my favorite class. We spent more than an hour yesterday trying to define the word 'holy' in a way that we could understand, so that we could really get into the text with the same mindset as the people who wrote it. (Or at least as close to that as we can get.) One of my biggest pet peeves is when people use words that they don't really have a definition for. I don't think we really got a solid definition, but it was a good conversation at least.
Now, in my Church History class, we're somewhere in the midst of Gnosticism, and we're studying the origins of the creeds and church structures, which the nerd in me is just giddy about. This shouldn't surprise me, but all of my classes are kind of flowing together. What we talk about in Theology and Worship finds its way into Church History and Congregational Studies. Greek words keep popping up everywhere, and theological ideas like recapitulation are finding their way into all of my classes, it seems. (Sidebar: recapitulation, on a basic level, is the idea that Jesus undid everything that Adam did wrong, thus putting the Head (Jesus) back on the Body (God's people.) I'm a huge nerd, and so I love throwing around words like soteriology and recapitulation. I promise to not turn my posts into theological treatises.)
Now that I've successfully delayed studying for my Greek quiz for another 20 minutes, here's another edition of plus/minus:
MINUS: I do far too much driving. I wish I could bike or walk to Servant's, but 30 miles is a bit too much.
PLUS: I really do love my classes--even Greek!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Full. Panic. Mode.
This week is midterms week.
Old Testament is tomorrow at 8 am, and I don't even have all of the readings done.
Greek is Thursday, and there is no way I'm going to be able to get all of this vocabulary in my head by then, not to mention the charts and lists of pronouns/demonstratives/definite articles.
Thus, full panic mode.
Old Testament is tomorrow at 8 am, and I don't even have all of the readings done.
Greek is Thursday, and there is no way I'm going to be able to get all of this vocabulary in my head by then, not to mention the charts and lists of pronouns/demonstratives/definite articles.
Thus, full panic mode.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Swirling Thoughts
There are so many things bouncing around in my head right now. Here are a few:
1. Old Testament is blowing my mind. I'm still trying to absorb the lecture from this morning. We're up to the prophetic period in Israel's history, and one of my professor's favorite authors of all time is Abraham Joshua Heschel. (Check him out, he's pretty cool.) He wrote a book called The Prophets, which is about the prophetic literature, and the introduction starts off with a basic question: why are these prophets freaking out so much? (Paraphrased, obviously.) But we deal with the things they speak against all day, every day: poverty, famine, hunger, injustice, corruption. What's the deal?
His answer is this: the prophets, in receiving the Spirit of God and the word to bring to the people, saw the world through God's eyes. We have become the victims of apathy, and so we simply don't see things the way God does. God is hurt by the things that we see and contribute to every day: poverty, slavery, famine, injustice. Heschel uses the image of an insomniac, up all night worrying. Freaking out over the hurt, the anxiety, the pain, and the utter devastation of His children. Thus, rather than the wrath of God being a primary emotion, it is a secondary response to that heartbreak. He comes into the world like a loving father, protecting His child from a playground bully.
Now, this image and my descriptions of it aren't perfect, but I would highly encourage you to read the book if you can. It's pretty mind-boggling for people today who tend to view the OT God and the NT God (or the God of the Old Testament and that same God today) as two different beings, with different natures (even if we deny it outright.)
2. Oh my word, I'm in seminary. There are days when I wake up and say to myself, "what in the world am I doing here? Who am I kidding?" I've thought about packing up and calling it a day several times in the past few weeks. I've even looked for jobs, thinking that I would leave after this semester. But after that lecture this morning, I could see in myself things that I didn't see before. I'm still not entirely sure what will come of my seminary journey, and if I left after this year or even this semester, I wouldn't be incredibly surprised. But I think now, I'm a bit more determined to stay.
3. I've given up on being 'normal'--whatever that means. I still feel different from most of my peers, but I've given up on trying to silence the awkward, nerdy kid inside. As much as I might want to be 'normal' sometimes, and fit in a perfect pastor box, I just don't. I say things like 'cool beans', I have tattoos, and I'm probably the worst conversationalist ever. I enjoy sarcasm far too much, and I have no idea how to do most of the things that a pastor does. But I'm here, and if I can't be myself, then who in the world am I supposed to be?
4. All of a sudden, I'm throwing myself into the life of Servant's Church. Last week, I read liturgy for the first time, and this Sunday I'm doing liturgy again AND teaching the elementary education hour class, since one of the pastors is out of town. Today, I'll be at the church for like 12 hours setting up for and helping out with the annual auction. It's really nice to be doing something, but the Sunday things at least are a little nerve-wracking. (By a little, I mean I might be freaking out.)
5. In contrast, fall is beautiful. I forgot how much I love this season. I spent a few hours at Lemonjello's (a coffee shop like a block from my house) yesterday afternoon, sitting outside and soaking up some sun. The leaves are turning, and it was a gloriously perfect fall day. Love it.
All in all, I still doubt myself far too much and I still don't know if I'm actually supposed to be here. But I'm here, nonetheless, and I figure I'll make the most of it. But if God calls me somewhere else next week, I won't be disappointed.
1. Old Testament is blowing my mind. I'm still trying to absorb the lecture from this morning. We're up to the prophetic period in Israel's history, and one of my professor's favorite authors of all time is Abraham Joshua Heschel. (Check him out, he's pretty cool.) He wrote a book called The Prophets, which is about the prophetic literature, and the introduction starts off with a basic question: why are these prophets freaking out so much? (Paraphrased, obviously.) But we deal with the things they speak against all day, every day: poverty, famine, hunger, injustice, corruption. What's the deal?
His answer is this: the prophets, in receiving the Spirit of God and the word to bring to the people, saw the world through God's eyes. We have become the victims of apathy, and so we simply don't see things the way God does. God is hurt by the things that we see and contribute to every day: poverty, slavery, famine, injustice. Heschel uses the image of an insomniac, up all night worrying. Freaking out over the hurt, the anxiety, the pain, and the utter devastation of His children. Thus, rather than the wrath of God being a primary emotion, it is a secondary response to that heartbreak. He comes into the world like a loving father, protecting His child from a playground bully.
Now, this image and my descriptions of it aren't perfect, but I would highly encourage you to read the book if you can. It's pretty mind-boggling for people today who tend to view the OT God and the NT God (or the God of the Old Testament and that same God today) as two different beings, with different natures (even if we deny it outright.)
2. Oh my word, I'm in seminary. There are days when I wake up and say to myself, "what in the world am I doing here? Who am I kidding?" I've thought about packing up and calling it a day several times in the past few weeks. I've even looked for jobs, thinking that I would leave after this semester. But after that lecture this morning, I could see in myself things that I didn't see before. I'm still not entirely sure what will come of my seminary journey, and if I left after this year or even this semester, I wouldn't be incredibly surprised. But I think now, I'm a bit more determined to stay.
3. I've given up on being 'normal'--whatever that means. I still feel different from most of my peers, but I've given up on trying to silence the awkward, nerdy kid inside. As much as I might want to be 'normal' sometimes, and fit in a perfect pastor box, I just don't. I say things like 'cool beans', I have tattoos, and I'm probably the worst conversationalist ever. I enjoy sarcasm far too much, and I have no idea how to do most of the things that a pastor does. But I'm here, and if I can't be myself, then who in the world am I supposed to be?
4. All of a sudden, I'm throwing myself into the life of Servant's Church. Last week, I read liturgy for the first time, and this Sunday I'm doing liturgy again AND teaching the elementary education hour class, since one of the pastors is out of town. Today, I'll be at the church for like 12 hours setting up for and helping out with the annual auction. It's really nice to be doing something, but the Sunday things at least are a little nerve-wracking. (By a little, I mean I might be freaking out.)
5. In contrast, fall is beautiful. I forgot how much I love this season. I spent a few hours at Lemonjello's (a coffee shop like a block from my house) yesterday afternoon, sitting outside and soaking up some sun. The leaves are turning, and it was a gloriously perfect fall day. Love it.
All in all, I still doubt myself far too much and I still don't know if I'm actually supposed to be here. But I'm here, nonetheless, and I figure I'll make the most of it. But if God calls me somewhere else next week, I won't be disappointed.
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