Over the past few days, I've spent at least two and a half hours just walking through Holland. One day, I started walking westward and just kept going until I hit the lake. Today, I simply meandered through downtown, back towards the lake, and then back downtown. I dropped by a couple of the shops that were still open, and I talked to myself a lot.
You see, walking and talking is the single best way that I process things. I think it has something to do with being a tour guide for three years: "keep walking, this way..."
I've spent the last week and a half just trying to figure out what exactly happened over the last seven months that made things so different. I feel different. I am different. But how? What happened that makes this new me better (or worse) than the old me?
I've spent hours poring over life decisions, made and unmade. Fretting over things I probably shouldn't have done, and the opportunities that I missed. But I still can't name it. I still can't figure it out.
In about two weeks, I need to have something to share with my peer group about my life--who I am, how I came to be here, and the people and events that have shaped me most. But how much can I really share with people that I've only known for four weeks? Sure, sharing the happy moments of my life is easy--but there's no sharing my life without including moments of intense pain, loss, and heartache. There's no explaining how I came to be here without sharing why I left in the first place: loneliness, a deep-seated sense of inadequacy, and a terrible fear of failure.
I wish I could say that even now, my life is roses. I'm happy to be here, don't get me wrong--but at the same time, those feelings still linger. I find myself unable to concentrate on anything for very long before my thoughts drift into "what if?" and other such questions. I often find my sanity again in Pinterest, the world where everything is DIY, rather than "wait on the Lord."
Seminary's hard. I continuously remind myself that God has to have something absolutely ridiculous in store for me once this is all done, and that keeps me from asking too many questions. After all, had I known everything that would happen in 2012 when I left Western in January, I probably would have had a panic attack. I might have turned around right then and come back.
But I'm better for those 7 months. I am different, somehow. And maybe one day I'll figure out how to say it.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Thought for the day
Time management is very important.
It is also a skill that I currently do not possess, as evidenced by the fact that it's 11 pm on Saturday and I'm still working on the third of four papers due by 8 am on Tuesday, and I still need to read an entire hymnal and create a 10-minute presentation.
I'm also blogging.
This does not bode well for the rest of the semester.
It is also a skill that I currently do not possess, as evidenced by the fact that it's 11 pm on Saturday and I'm still working on the third of four papers due by 8 am on Tuesday, and I still need to read an entire hymnal and create a 10-minute presentation.
I'm also blogging.
This does not bode well for the rest of the semester.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Things I've Learned This Week (and last week)
Okay, I'm a week late on this post. But I never said which Friday!
1. Seminary is a lot of work. This should be obvious, but I had forgotten how exhausting academia is. There is no rest for the weary here, however, as I have three papers and a 10-minute presentation due on Tuesday.
2. I was right. It's hard to make friends here, and it's easy to be lonely. My one-bedroom apartment is a wonderful refuge when I'm exhausted and don't want to deal with the world, but it also makes developing friendships hard.
3. My worldview is still so, so very different from many of my peers. I was raised by a social worker who deeply ingrained in me that "you can't fix people." I went to college in a liberal, pluralistic environment where Christianity was just one of many religions to be respected equally, or dismissed altogether. Christian norms aren't normal to me.
4. I remember a lot more Greek than I thought that I would! I barely have to review vocabulary so far, which is fabulous.
5. There is a good reason that I wasn't a philosophy major - I have NO IDEA what philosophers are saying. What's with the ridiculously flowery language guys? Be an International Relations major: say what you want to say and be done with it!
1. Seminary is a lot of work. This should be obvious, but I had forgotten how exhausting academia is. There is no rest for the weary here, however, as I have three papers and a 10-minute presentation due on Tuesday.
2. I was right. It's hard to make friends here, and it's easy to be lonely. My one-bedroom apartment is a wonderful refuge when I'm exhausted and don't want to deal with the world, but it also makes developing friendships hard.
3. My worldview is still so, so very different from many of my peers. I was raised by a social worker who deeply ingrained in me that "you can't fix people." I went to college in a liberal, pluralistic environment where Christianity was just one of many religions to be respected equally, or dismissed altogether. Christian norms aren't normal to me.
4. I remember a lot more Greek than I thought that I would! I barely have to review vocabulary so far, which is fabulous.
5. There is a good reason that I wasn't a philosophy major - I have NO IDEA what philosophers are saying. What's with the ridiculously flowery language guys? Be an International Relations major: say what you want to say and be done with it!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Human.
In Christian Ethics this morning, we began to create a foundation on which to build the rest of our ethics, which begins with questions that have no correct answer: what makes us human? How do we know what is 'right' and 'wrong?' Can we simply reason this out for ourselves using the world around us, or does divine revelation have a place in this chaos?
This is what seminarians excel at: asking questions that seem to have billions of answers.
A conversation in the atrium with the director of admissions (Dr. Poppen), also made me think this morning. We talked about random things, like his daughters' musical talents and my lack thereof, and where I prefer to study, but some lighthearted conversation about our mutual tendency to overanalyze EVERYTHING provoked some introspection.
In several of my classes, we've gone over Descarte's "I think, therefore I am" statement and how it induced a change in the way that humans viewed themselves. Now, I am a person who, if left to her own devices, will think and re-think and re-analyze every moment of every day. One of my goals over the past few months has been to think less and to do more, and I've almost succeeded. But now, I'm afraid that I may have taken the 'don't overthink everything' mantra a bit too far.
You see, in trying to make myself less self-critical, I've actually deprived myself of some necessary introspection. I forbid any self-critique, even when it's for my own good. Although it's been nice to not have to panic about what I could've done better every moment of every day, I lose out on any sort of self-improvement.
So once again, it comes down to finding a healthy balance between introspection, processing what's going on in my head (and what comes out of it), and intense panic-inducing self-critique.
Balance, however, has never been my strong suit (as also evidenced by the intriguing number of random bruises I continue to find.) I continue to search for it, however, and will climb back on the teeter-totter for now.
Stay tuned for a 'what I've learned this week' on Friday!
This is what seminarians excel at: asking questions that seem to have billions of answers.
A conversation in the atrium with the director of admissions (Dr. Poppen), also made me think this morning. We talked about random things, like his daughters' musical talents and my lack thereof, and where I prefer to study, but some lighthearted conversation about our mutual tendency to overanalyze EVERYTHING provoked some introspection.
In several of my classes, we've gone over Descarte's "I think, therefore I am" statement and how it induced a change in the way that humans viewed themselves. Now, I am a person who, if left to her own devices, will think and re-think and re-analyze every moment of every day. One of my goals over the past few months has been to think less and to do more, and I've almost succeeded. But now, I'm afraid that I may have taken the 'don't overthink everything' mantra a bit too far.
You see, in trying to make myself less self-critical, I've actually deprived myself of some necessary introspection. I forbid any self-critique, even when it's for my own good. Although it's been nice to not have to panic about what I could've done better every moment of every day, I lose out on any sort of self-improvement.
So once again, it comes down to finding a healthy balance between introspection, processing what's going on in my head (and what comes out of it), and intense panic-inducing self-critique.
Balance, however, has never been my strong suit (as also evidenced by the intriguing number of random bruises I continue to find.) I continue to search for it, however, and will climb back on the teeter-totter for now.
Stay tuned for a 'what I've learned this week' on Friday!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
The Story
After reading my last few posts, I've realized that I left out a bit of information--mostly, how I came to be in Holland again.
It's something that I still haven't fully processed myself, so this may not be the most sensible way of explaining it, but it's a start.
For months, I talked to several people about "when I go back to seminary...", and have always been convinced that this is somehow the right path for me. The only question was when I would go back.
Now, one of the reasons that I left in the first place was simply that I felt intimidated by and utterly inadequate compared to my peers. Many had previous theological training and I did not, and while I was able to acheive good grades, I still felt that I lacked the proper background information to really process the information that I was given.
That, unfortunately, hasn't changed.
But here's what has:
First, I am much more comfortable with my many shortcomings. I've always been extremely self-conscious and more than a little too hard on myself. (That's the only advice the psychologists gave me after the psychological testing process last year: "don't be so hard on yourself!") And I've made progress in that arena, now that I am certain that this is really where God is leading me, and that it's a good thing for me to be here. (The encouragement I've had this time around from others has helped a lot too, to be honest. It's much easier to affirm this calling in myself when I hear it from other people as well.)
Second, I now know exactly what I'm getting myself into. There will be no surprises (well, fewer surprises) and the gentlemen that wear a shirt and tie to class every day will no longer annoy the living daylights out of me. Theological language, while I am still not fluent, will no longer sound just like Russian or Portugese.
Third, I am more comfortable with where I come from. I've always been hard on my hometown, and I still am in many ways, but having made this my home for a few months, at least, has helped me to see the good things in it as well. Having this foundation to build on is vital.
Finally, I am surrounded with support. I have my classmates that I got to know well last year rooting for me, and it's been great to see them and reconnect a bit this week. I'm also thinking about a monthly-ish prayer newsletter to send out to those who are far away, to give a bit more of a full update than the blog. If this is something you would be interested in receiving, leave a comment here or email me at myfirstname.mylastname at gmail.com. Tell your friends!
All of those things are reasons that I went back to Holland to finish what I started.
I have a vision of working in community development in a small community, most likely as a pastor or in social service administration. I've been told that I should look into international missions. Perhaps God will lead me somewhere completely unexpected--and I look forward to seeing what God has in store. If the past few months are any indicator of the awesomeness that the future holds, then I'll be happy to trust the process.
It's something that I still haven't fully processed myself, so this may not be the most sensible way of explaining it, but it's a start.
For months, I talked to several people about "when I go back to seminary...", and have always been convinced that this is somehow the right path for me. The only question was when I would go back.
Now, one of the reasons that I left in the first place was simply that I felt intimidated by and utterly inadequate compared to my peers. Many had previous theological training and I did not, and while I was able to acheive good grades, I still felt that I lacked the proper background information to really process the information that I was given.
That, unfortunately, hasn't changed.
But here's what has:
First, I am much more comfortable with my many shortcomings. I've always been extremely self-conscious and more than a little too hard on myself. (That's the only advice the psychologists gave me after the psychological testing process last year: "don't be so hard on yourself!") And I've made progress in that arena, now that I am certain that this is really where God is leading me, and that it's a good thing for me to be here. (The encouragement I've had this time around from others has helped a lot too, to be honest. It's much easier to affirm this calling in myself when I hear it from other people as well.)
Second, I now know exactly what I'm getting myself into. There will be no surprises (well, fewer surprises) and the gentlemen that wear a shirt and tie to class every day will no longer annoy the living daylights out of me. Theological language, while I am still not fluent, will no longer sound just like Russian or Portugese.
Third, I am more comfortable with where I come from. I've always been hard on my hometown, and I still am in many ways, but having made this my home for a few months, at least, has helped me to see the good things in it as well. Having this foundation to build on is vital.
Finally, I am surrounded with support. I have my classmates that I got to know well last year rooting for me, and it's been great to see them and reconnect a bit this week. I'm also thinking about a monthly-ish prayer newsletter to send out to those who are far away, to give a bit more of a full update than the blog. If this is something you would be interested in receiving, leave a comment here or email me at myfirstname.mylastname at gmail.com. Tell your friends!
All of those things are reasons that I went back to Holland to finish what I started.
I have a vision of working in community development in a small community, most likely as a pastor or in social service administration. I've been told that I should look into international missions. Perhaps God will lead me somewhere completely unexpected--and I look forward to seeing what God has in store. If the past few months are any indicator of the awesomeness that the future holds, then I'll be happy to trust the process.
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