- Run a 5k. I'm still serious!
- Read at least 12 books that I'm not required to. I haven't read anything just for fun since high school, really, and I miss getting lost in another world for a bit.
- Volunteer at least once per week, no matter where I am.
- Keep learning Greek on my own. I rather enjoy that language.
- Learn the basics of guitar. I've had mine since July, but still don't even have a clue as to how to tune it.
Friday, December 30, 2011
New Years' Resolutions
I'm a day ahead of the game, but here are a few of my New Years' Resolutions:
Monday, December 26, 2011
Pressing On
Many, many thanks to those of you who commented on my last post, here or elsewhere! I am always grateful for extra thoughts and insights.
After a lot (A LOT) of freaking out, a lot of time spent looking at jobs, a lot of time spent talking through this with others, and a lot of processing the last semester, I've decided to withdraw from Western. There are a lot of things I'll miss, but I think this is for the best.
For now, I'll be moving back to my parents' house in Fulton. For the long term, I have already applied for several positions, mostly located in Chicago and Boston. I'll also be applying soon for an Americorps opportunity in Rhode Island that I'm really excited about!
This is not the end of my seminary journey, not by any means. I plan on either transferring to a different school depending on where I end up, attending part-time while working, or I'll return later as a full-time student. I may change degree programs, or I may stay with the M.Div. We'll see what happens when that time comes!
All in all, I feel good about this. I'm pretty certain that this is going to be a good thing. The hardest part, though, is yet to come--the actual act of leaving. I am terrible at goodbyes.
After a lot (A LOT) of freaking out, a lot of time spent looking at jobs, a lot of time spent talking through this with others, and a lot of processing the last semester, I've decided to withdraw from Western. There are a lot of things I'll miss, but I think this is for the best.
For now, I'll be moving back to my parents' house in Fulton. For the long term, I have already applied for several positions, mostly located in Chicago and Boston. I'll also be applying soon for an Americorps opportunity in Rhode Island that I'm really excited about!
This is not the end of my seminary journey, not by any means. I plan on either transferring to a different school depending on where I end up, attending part-time while working, or I'll return later as a full-time student. I may change degree programs, or I may stay with the M.Div. We'll see what happens when that time comes!
All in all, I feel good about this. I'm pretty certain that this is going to be a good thing. The hardest part, though, is yet to come--the actual act of leaving. I am terrible at goodbyes.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Decisions, Compromises, and Lingering Questions
I'm not sure that pastoral ministry is something I should be doing.
There, I said it!
The more I process this semester, including the things I loved, the things I hated, and the giant chunk that fell somewhere in between, the more I realize that I've been trying to stuff myself into this 'ideal pastor' box and not being myself. I am socially awkward, I am (gasp!) a liberal, I enjoy margaritas once in a while, and I swear sometimes (read: more often than a seminarian probably should.) But I love people. I love helping people and listening to their stories. I love coordinating programs. I enjoy having projects to work on, and I love learning. I'm not saying that none of those things also characterize a good pastor, but I'm starting to think that I am just not cut out for this. I can do the bookwork, believe me. If I've calculated properly, I will have a B or better in all of my classes. But I don't feel like I can be my slightly wacky self at Western. I knew that this would probably happen before I even got there, but I went anyway, hoping and praying that I was wrong.
So now, a decision has to be made. Do I continue on there, disliking it as much as I do? Do I show up for a second semester hoping that things get better? Or do I apply for jobs in the next two weeks, switch to the distance learning program, and move somewhere else? Or do I drop out of seminary altogether, and go to work somewhere? Do I switch degree programs?
I'm not going to lie to you, the last two options are the most appealing at this very moment. I don't plan on making any decisions tonight, but this is what's going on in my head right now. Advice, a smack on the head, or insights, from those willing to offer them, are always valued.
All of that said, here's what I don't want you to take away from this post:
Don't think that I'm completely unhappy. My classes have broadened my faith and I've fallen in love with the Church all over again. I found what church is meant to be, and I love it.
Don't think that everyone at Western is a terrible person. There are some wonderfully genuine people there, and the faculty are brilliant and caring, for the most part. It's culture shock, more than anything, that gets me down.
Even if I do leave, this is not the end of my involvement in ministry. Even if I don't wind up with an M.Div., I will always be heavily involved in churches and advocacy organizations. This thought keeps me in check--God, after all, has a calling for each of us. But that call isn't always to pastoral ministry.
Finally, this last semester was not a waste. Western was definitely the place that I needed to be this fall. I will walk away with more insight and theological knowledge (and questions) than I ever thought I could absorb in a single semester.
All said and done, I don't know where I'll be in a year. Hell, I don't even know where I'll be in 3 months. There's something exciting about this, and something terrifying about these decisions, compromises, and lingering questions.
There, I said it!
The more I process this semester, including the things I loved, the things I hated, and the giant chunk that fell somewhere in between, the more I realize that I've been trying to stuff myself into this 'ideal pastor' box and not being myself. I am socially awkward, I am (gasp!) a liberal, I enjoy margaritas once in a while, and I swear sometimes (read: more often than a seminarian probably should.) But I love people. I love helping people and listening to their stories. I love coordinating programs. I enjoy having projects to work on, and I love learning. I'm not saying that none of those things also characterize a good pastor, but I'm starting to think that I am just not cut out for this. I can do the bookwork, believe me. If I've calculated properly, I will have a B or better in all of my classes. But I don't feel like I can be my slightly wacky self at Western. I knew that this would probably happen before I even got there, but I went anyway, hoping and praying that I was wrong.
So now, a decision has to be made. Do I continue on there, disliking it as much as I do? Do I show up for a second semester hoping that things get better? Or do I apply for jobs in the next two weeks, switch to the distance learning program, and move somewhere else? Or do I drop out of seminary altogether, and go to work somewhere? Do I switch degree programs?
I'm not going to lie to you, the last two options are the most appealing at this very moment. I don't plan on making any decisions tonight, but this is what's going on in my head right now. Advice, a smack on the head, or insights, from those willing to offer them, are always valued.
All of that said, here's what I don't want you to take away from this post:
Don't think that I'm completely unhappy. My classes have broadened my faith and I've fallen in love with the Church all over again. I found what church is meant to be, and I love it.
Don't think that everyone at Western is a terrible person. There are some wonderfully genuine people there, and the faculty are brilliant and caring, for the most part. It's culture shock, more than anything, that gets me down.
Even if I do leave, this is not the end of my involvement in ministry. Even if I don't wind up with an M.Div., I will always be heavily involved in churches and advocacy organizations. This thought keeps me in check--God, after all, has a calling for each of us. But that call isn't always to pastoral ministry.
Finally, this last semester was not a waste. Western was definitely the place that I needed to be this fall. I will walk away with more insight and theological knowledge (and questions) than I ever thought I could absorb in a single semester.
All said and done, I don't know where I'll be in a year. Hell, I don't even know where I'll be in 3 months. There's something exciting about this, and something terrifying about these decisions, compromises, and lingering questions.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sorry 'bout that.
I forgot to come back and post about the lectures last week! In fact, I realized that I never actually explained them in the first place. So here's a snippet:
The Ryan Ende Lectures on Human Sexuality are (to my knowledge) an annual event at Western, when the community gathers around questions of sexuality, gender, and other such questions. They are named after the late Ryan Ende, a graduate of Western who passed away in 2008, and was openly gay.
The first night of the lecture series featured a more social-science approach, where the speaker attempted to explain the differences between gender, sex, and sexuality, present the gender continuum, and offer a basic introduction to the biblical questions surrounding those topics.
The second night featured Western's Jim Brownson, who is sort of infamous in the seminary community for blowing our minds with his incredible knowledge of Greek and his technical examinations of biblical texts. He succeeded once again, dissecting Romans 6 in such a way that blew the cover off of things like gender complimentarity and opened the door for a much more productive discussion. He offered no answers (as is typical of Western's profs), but rather left us to draw our own conclusions.
If I think about it (or someone reminds me), perhaps I'll post my notes.
The Ryan Ende Lectures on Human Sexuality are (to my knowledge) an annual event at Western, when the community gathers around questions of sexuality, gender, and other such questions. They are named after the late Ryan Ende, a graduate of Western who passed away in 2008, and was openly gay.
The first night of the lecture series featured a more social-science approach, where the speaker attempted to explain the differences between gender, sex, and sexuality, present the gender continuum, and offer a basic introduction to the biblical questions surrounding those topics.
The second night featured Western's Jim Brownson, who is sort of infamous in the seminary community for blowing our minds with his incredible knowledge of Greek and his technical examinations of biblical texts. He succeeded once again, dissecting Romans 6 in such a way that blew the cover off of things like gender complimentarity and opened the door for a much more productive discussion. He offered no answers (as is typical of Western's profs), but rather left us to draw our own conclusions.
If I think about it (or someone reminds me), perhaps I'll post my notes.
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