God sightings

At midnight last night, after seeing a late showing of MIB III, I drove home.  I have a habit of talking to myself/praying while driving alone, and last night was no exception.  I've been asking the same questions for over a year: "Where do I go? What do I do?" I'm rather impatient, so I was frustrated. But rather than a location and a job, I heard instead: "focus on being, not doing."

Translation: work on you.  Stop trying to fix everything and everyone else, and work on being comfortable with and confident in your self.  Create a life for yourself.

Love and be loved. Invest in people. Create lasting relationships. Be bold. Speak up--especially for those who need a hand. Be present in conversations and ask good questions.

Then, something rather awesome happened:  the sermon at church this morning reiterated what I heard last night word. for. word.

It's taken four months to get this far. I'm still walking that fine line between building myself up for future ministry and beating myself up because I'm not already there. But this, more than anything else that's happened in the past year, is a sign that I've made good decisions. 

This blog has really become a form of therapy, more than anything.  It will probably continue to be so for the next few months.  But hopefully, by the time I return to seminary, I will be a stronger, more confident, more balanced version of myself. 

Another month later...

I sort of gave up on this blog once I finally had a full-time job, mostly because it was comfortable and I had nothing to post about.

But lately, I've had a bit of time to think.  This is almost never a good thing.

In all of this thinking, I came to this realization: in the past year, have done almost everything on the 'never-do' list in my head.

First, I went to graduate school almost on a whim.
Then, I dropped out.
Then, I moved back to Fulton, Illinois of all places--the only place on earth I swore to never return to.

I proceeded to drop off of the face of the earth, leaving my church, my hobbies, and my sanity behind.

I went on a couple of blind dates that went absolutely nowhere.

I began to imagine a completely new future for myself, working in business after getting an MBA.

Sure, I still went through all the motions of life--I showed up to work, did what I was supposed to, and woke up the next morning to do it all over again. 

But for the last two days, that completely irrational side of me has returned with a vengeance.  Everything in my heart is telling me to go back to Michigan and finish seminary.  It makes absolutely no sense--I've only been gone for 4 months, after all.  I haven't picked up a single theological text or article since last December. Admittedly, I've barely picked up my Bible since I left. Practiced Greek vocabulary? HA! This is all not to mention the financial side of this ridiculousness.

If there were ever a time to question my own sanity, it would be now.  Why do I insist on making my own life difficult?