New Years' Resolutions

I'm a day ahead of the game, but here are a few of my New Years' Resolutions:

1. Run a 5k.  I'm still serious!
2. Read at least 12 books that I'm not required to. I haven't read anything just for fun since high school, really, and I miss getting lost in another world for a bit.
3. Volunteer at least once per week, no matter where I am.
4. Keep learning Greek on my own.  I rather enjoy that language.
5. Learn the basics of guitar.  I've had mine since July, but still don't even have a clue as to how to tune it. 

Do you have resolutions/goals for 2012?  I would love to hear them!

Pressing On

Many, many thanks to those of you who commented on my last post, here or elsewhere!  I am always grateful for extra thoughts and insights.

After a lot (A LOT) of freaking out, a lot of time spent looking at jobs, a lot of time spent talking through this with others, and a lot of processing the last semester, I've decided to withdraw from Western.  There are a lot of things I'll miss, but I think this is for the best.

For now, I'll be moving back to my parents' house in Fulton.  For the long term, I have already applied for several positions, mostly located in Chicago and Boston.  I'll also be applying soon for an Americorps opportunity in Rhode Island that I'm really excited about!

This is not the end of my seminary journey, not by any means.  I plan on either transferring to a different school depending on where I end up, attending part-time while working, or I'll return later as a full-time student.  I may change degree programs, or I may stay with the M.Div.  We'll see what happens when that time comes!

All in all, I feel good about this.  I'm pretty certain that this is going to be a good thing.  The hardest part, though, is yet to come--the actual act of leaving.  I am terrible at goodbyes.

Decisions, Compromises, and Lingering Questions

I'm not sure that pastoral ministry is something I should be doing.

There, I said it! 

The more I process this semester, including the things I loved, the things I hated, and the giant chunk that fell somewhere in between, the more I realize that I've been trying to stuff myself into this 'ideal pastor' box and not being myself.  I am socially awkward, I am (gasp!) a liberal, I enjoy margaritas once in a while, and I swear sometimes (read: more often than a seminarian probably should.)  But I love people.  I love helping people and listening to their stories.  I love coordinating programs.  I enjoy having projects to work on, and I love learning.  I'm not saying that none of those things also characterize a good pastor, but I'm starting to think that I am just not cut out for this.  I can do the bookwork, believe me.  If I've calculated properly, I will have a B or better in all of my classes.  But I don't feel like I can be my slightly wacky self at Western.  I knew that this would probably happen before I even got there, but I went anyway, hoping and praying that I was wrong. 

So now, a decision has to be made.  Do I continue on there, disliking it as much as I do?  Do I show up for a second semester hoping that things get better?  Or do I apply for jobs in the next two weeks, switch to the distance learning program, and move somewhere else?  Or do I drop out of seminary altogether, and go to work somewhere?  Do I switch degree programs?

I'm not going to lie to you, the last two options are the most appealing at this very moment.  I don't plan on making any decisions tonight, but this is what's going on in my head right now.  Advice, a smack on the head, or insights, from those willing to offer them, are always valued. 

All of that said, here's what I don't want you to take away from this post:

Don't think that I'm completely unhappy.  My classes have broadened my faith and I've fallen in love with the Church all over again.  I found what church is meant to be, and I love it. 

Don't think that everyone at Western is a terrible person.  There are some wonderfully genuine people there, and the faculty are brilliant and caring, for the most part.  It's culture shock, more than anything, that gets me down.

Even if I do leave, this is not the end of my involvement in ministry.  Even if I don't wind up with an M.Div., I will always be heavily involved in churches and advocacy organizations.  This thought keeps me in check--God, after all, has a calling for each of us.  But that call isn't always to pastoral ministry.

Finally, this last semester was not a waste.  Western was definitely the place that I needed to be this fall.  I will walk away with more insight and theological knowledge (and questions) than I ever thought I could absorb in a single semester.  

All said and done, I don't know where I'll be in a year.  Hell, I don't even know where I'll be in 3 months.  There's something exciting about this, and something terrifying about these decisions, compromises, and lingering questions.

Sorry 'bout that.

I forgot to come back and post about the lectures last week!  In fact, I realized that I never actually explained them in the first place.  So here's a snippet:

The Ryan Ende Lectures on Human Sexuality are (to my knowledge) an annual event at Western, when the community gathers around questions of sexuality, gender, and other such questions.  They are named after the late Ryan Ende, a graduate of Western who passed away in 2008, and was openly gay.

The first night of the lecture series featured a more social-science approach, where the speaker attempted to explain the differences between gender, sex, and sexuality, present the gender continuum, and offer a basic introduction to the biblical questions surrounding those topics.

The second night featured Western's Jim Brownson, who is sort of infamous in the seminary community for blowing our minds with his incredible knowledge of Greek and his technical examinations of biblical texts.  He succeeded once again, dissecting Romans 6 in such a way that blew the cover off of things like gender complimentarity and opened the door for a much more productive discussion.  He offered no answers (as is typical of Western's profs), but rather left us to draw our own conclusions.

If I think about it (or someone reminds me), perhaps I'll post my notes.

Life is constantly proving me wrong.

Snapshot of my Monday:
8 am - 9:30 am: Peer Group/Formation for Ministry
9:40-10:10 am: Chapel and announcements
10:20-11:20 am: Church History
12:00 pm - 4 pm: Workin' in the library
4 - 5 pm: Meeting with a psychiatrist to discuss my psychological testing results
5 - 6:20 pm: Grocery shopping
6:30 - 8:30 pm: Ryan Ende lectures on human sexuality

Holy wow, it's been a long day. But I have SO MUCH to tell you! So here's another edition of "things I learned today."

1. I am NOT, in fact, an introvert. According to three different psychological tests, I am simply an extremely self-conscious extrovert. Thus, the title of this post. (Of course, this comes less than a week after I told several rooms full of people and Facebook that I'm an introvert.)

2. Psychological tests, when you're honest in taking them, are scarily accurate. The good news, though, is that I'm not crazy!

3. Christians aren't all human-hating, ridiculous, perfectionist creatures. I wish I could write more about the Ende lecture tonight, and how incredibly refreshing it was to not be doused in hate for two hours, but I'll have to write more tomorrow when my mind is not full of twelve different things I'm supposed to be doing right now. So check back here at this time tomorrow!

"You suck, try harder," and letting go.

"You suck, try harder." 

In Jim Belcher's book, Deep Church, he references this in the preaching section.  It characterizes so much of the preaching that happens in American churches today, and sums it up in just those four words.  We've put the cart before the horse, so to speak, and we've forgotten that good deeds and a life worthy of bearing the name 'Christian' come from faith, not before it. (In other words, you can't expect someone who is not a Christian to act, think, and believe in the same way that a Christian does.)  So many pastors have forgotten to preach the "mystery of the faith", as the Communion Prayer calls it: "Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again!"  They've been so busy preaching about how to act/look/think/politic like a 'good Christian', they forgot the whole point. 

I could rant about this for ages, but I'll leave you there to think about that for a while.

On a somewhat related note, the theme of the rest of 2011 is letting go. 

Letting go of my own self-doubt, letting go of my own desire to be better at life, to be a different person, letting go of damaged relationships that just can't be repaired, and letting go of this death grip I've had (pun maybe intended) on the direction of my life.  As of right now, it's full-steam-ahead for seminary.  I'm staying until God throws me out, which hopefully will not happen tomorrow.

I have interviews tomorrow afternoon with my classis (regional body of church governance) to come under care of the classis.  This is a requirement for ordination in the Reformed Church in America (RCA), and this is how they sort of keep an eye on pastors-in-training.  They give us oral exams at the end of every academic year, they check in on us spiritually, they offer help when needed, etc.  (It sounds like a really great thing until you get to the exams, right?)

I've been told that this is sort of a formality, and that since my church's consistory has enthusiastically recommended me to the classis, it shouldn't be a problem.  But I never believe it when someone tells me that.  I do my best to not make assumptions.  If something ridiculous happens tomorrow, and I see God telling me "you know what, Sarah, this really isn't for you," then I'll laugh at myself for a while and start over. 

Until then, I'm letting go and moving on. The sign my mother hung in the living room when I was young still hangs in the house: "get over it, get on with it."

Goals for 2012

Yes, I realize it's only November. I'm OK with that. This list will be added to as the year finishes up!

1. Learn the basics of guitar. Even if I can't actually play anything by the end of the year, I would at least like to know how to tune the thing!

2. Spend less time online and more time with real humans. It's not that you all aren't real humans, and I love you all dearly. But I think I'm spending too much time wishing I could be with all of you wonderful people scattered across the world, and not quite enough time investing in the lives of the people in the immediate vicinity.

3. Run a 5K race. (It's OK, I giggled a little when I wrote that, too. But I'm serious!)

A thought from Roger

Towards the end of my time at Knox, I had the privilege of having lunch with Roger and Anne Taylor, as well as Professor Hulett and a wonderful Knox alumni.  I had received the Rev. Pete Hosutt Scholarship, named in honor of a member of the class of '55 who spent several decades as an Army chaplain.  After explaining that I was coming to seminary this fall, they proceeded to ask the question that every recent graduate hates: 'so what are you going to do with that?' 

I explained that althought I have no certain plans, I'm looking for something in pastoral ministry, possibly as a parish pastor or a chaplain.  Then, the next inevitable question came from Tony, a friend of Rev. Hosutt: 'Have you considered being an Army chaplain?'

To be honest, at that point I really hadn't.  I'm not sure how I feel about military service.  But then Roger piped up: "You should be a Navy chaplain!  They have better uniforms anyway."

We laughed, and Anne explained that Roger spent some time in the Navy at some point.  The conversation continued and drifted from my plans, but Roger's comment stuck with me for some silly reason.  I researched it a bit, and found that it might actually be feasible.  (Navy chaplains, unlike chaplains in other branches, are officially non-combatants and are not authorized to carry weapons or participate in combat.  That was definitely a non-negotiable.)  And I know for a fact that there are female chaplains throughout the Navy, somewhat allaying my fears of being a female pastor. 

I keep coming back to this, and I can't really figure out why.  Maybe it's my slightly unhealthy need to have some concrete plan or goal.  Maybe it's something different.  But I keep thinking about it. 

What if this, of all things, is my calling?  It's a slightly terrifying thought.  But it's possible. 

Do you have thoughts?  I would love to hear them.  Obviously, I still have two years of seminary left if I decide that this is really what God has called me to.  I won't be running off to join the Navy anytime soon.  But it's a thought, and one that just won't leave me alone...

Things I've learned this week

1. I'm so glad I went to Knox.  Even if I come in somewhat behind in theology and church history, I have learned how to learn.  I learned how to write.  I learned how to budget time and prioritize, (even though I still sucked at that when I graduated.)  Above all, it was intense.  Even though I have six classes, they aren't nearly as difficult as Knox's classes.  (The longest paper I've had to write so far was 1200 words.) 

2. I do, however, need to spend more time studying Greek.  I can translate wonderfully, but I have no desire whatsoever to memorize vocabulary or verb endings.  This is not a problem for homework, but is definitely affecting my daily quiz grades. 

3.  I have far too much time on my hands.  This is closely related to the first thing.  At this point in November, I'm usually going crazy with finals week approaching far too quickly.  But right now, I have more than a month until finals (which is both a blessing and a curse), and I spend far too much time staring at the internet.  Thus, if anyone knows of some great work-from-home jobs, I would be more than happy to hear about them.

4.  Sleep is not for the weak.  In fact, sleep is a glorious thing.  My Knox motto was something to the effect of "I'll sleep when I'm dead."  Now, though, I can head to bed at 8:30 pm if I so please.  Call me an old lady if you like, but I do so enjoy sleeping.

5. I need to read more.  I just came back from a panel discussion with two local pastors and the seminary's president, who talked about what it looks like to read in the pastoral life.  Since I also work in the library, I see every new book that goes on the shelves.  I want to read all of them!  But at the same time, I'm far too overwhelmed already by theological reading, and if I read one more thing about original sin and/or predestination, I might punch something. 

6. In Church History, we spent the past week redefining words and throwing some out.  For example, there is no such thing as Augustinian thought, because Augustine's writings are all over the place on almost every issue.  There's also no such thing as 'Greek thought.'  Those two phrases are now anathema in the seminary. 

7.  Apparently, blogging looks remarkably like homework.  My Old Testament professor thought I was sitting in the atrium being studious.  Alas...

Things I should be doing right now

Here's another edition of 'things I should be doing right now.' 

1. Writing my Church History paper.  (Interestingly enough, this paper has very little to do with church history, but it's a part of the M.Div version of a thesis, called a Credo, which we work on in small chunks over three years.)

2.  Cleaning my room.  It's not dirty, per se, but rather full of laundry which needs to be done.

3.  Reading anything but silly online news articles.  (See the Onion for some great sarcasm and punditry!)

4.  Studying my wonderful Greek verb tenses.  I have to admit, that class was a lot more fun when there were only three tenses, instead of eight.  (Tenses we've done so far: Present Active Indicative, Present Middle/Passive Indicative, Imperfect Active Indicative, Imperfect Middle/Passive Indicative, Future Active Indicative, Future Middle Indicative, First Aorist and Second Aorist.  I think.)

5.  Eating dinner, rather than drinking massive amounts of tea.  (4 cups and counting!)
(Edit: gave in and made dinner.  Check.)

Two things:

1. I found my keys!  They were stuffed in a couch in the student lounge, where my peer group meets on Monday mornings.  That's the only place I had been the entire week that I forgot to look in, and there they were.  I feel a little silly.  But last night I went and made three more copies of my car keys, so I have a couple of extra sets no matter where I am. 

2. I put two more photos on the photo page!  They're old-ish, and not super exciting, but what can I say?  Hopefully I'll have more exciting things to put up soon.

Lost my mind...and my keys.

My keys have officially been missing for 25 hours.  I have looked literally everywhere.  I emptied my dressers, I cleared my desk, I went through every coat, bag and piece of clothing I own, I went through the trash, I looked in the seminary, I asked at the front desk, I looked in the library, I stripped my bed, I stripped the couch, and I looked in all of the kitchen cupboards, the refrigerator, the freezer, and the dishwasher. 

They seem to have vanished into thin air.  I'm extremely frustrated, because this means I have no car keys, no house keys, and no church key.  I couldn't even go to church in Grand Rapids last night, because I have no spare car key.  My parents found a few at the house that they think could be one of my spare keys, and they've mailed them to me, so hopefully one of those works.  At least then, I could drive my car, even if I can't get into my mailbox.  (The house keys aren't a huge deal, since my house has a keypad.)

If and when they reappear, the very first thing I'm doing is attaching something that says 'if found, return to....', and making about 6 copies of all of my keys, because this is just ridiculous.

Things I'm Learning

A few nuggets of knowledge for you:

1. God dwells in darkness. (Another theme from my Old Testament class.) The idea here is not that God is somehow evil or shrouded in smoke (even though that does happen.) But the idea is that darkness, for the Israelites at least, was a time of rest. Thus, this was a time of devotion and focus on God. Darkness is also a place of trust.

2. Atonement theory is much more complicated than I ever recognized, but also simpler, in a way. Eventually, it all comes down to one thing: Jesus gave the Father what we couldn't.

3. It's a lot easier to eat healthier when you're buying your own groceries. A bunch of bananas, for example, is like $1.50, as compared to things like chips or cheese or whatever, which are usually at least $4 and last half as long.

4. I am simultaneously organized and sloppy. Anyone who has ever seen my living spaces will know this to be true.

5. I am only productive when stressed, apparently.  If I get the least bit stressed, I can sit down for hours at a time and do nothing but homework.  Without that motivator, though, I will definitely spend an entire night on Facebook.

And, a follow-up on my last post. I've gotten a few responses, and I'm so grateful for each of them. My mind changes almost every day, sometimes several times a day. There are mornings when I wake up and say, 'that's it, I'm done', only to go to class and say 'now this is why I'm in seminary.' And the opposite happens, too. I'll finish out this semester, since it would be stupid not to, but if I can find a job between now and then I might take a semester off, just to see what else might be out there.

I know that I have a lot of growing to do before I can be a full-time pastor, chaplain, or whatever. I don't know if that growth will be smushed into three years of seminary, or spread out over some time taken away from school, but someday, I'll get to where I need to be.

All that said, I don't know where I'll be come January. I could be in the middle of Africa for all I know right now, and I'm at least a little OK with that. (PS: if anyone has suggestions, now would be the time for that...)

What would happen if...

I just left here at the end of the year, or the semester?

I really don't want to leave Servant's, but I don't know how much longer I can survive at Western without losing my sanity.  The classes and professors are wonderful, but I don't have any real friends here, and I don't really foresee finding those in the near future.  I can't function without some sort of social interaction beyond "so, have you done that theology paper yet?" 

I'm highly considering getting a job somewhere, or transferring to the other school I was considering in Chicago.  It's not an RCA seminary, which would mean coming here for a few classes anyway, but I could deal with that.

I'm not sure what to do with this overwhelming feeling that I don't belong here.  There is not a single part of me that has peace about this. To be honest, the only thing keeping me here is Servant's Community Church.  I love that place, and the people in it, more than anything else in Michigan right now.

But after I've told so many people that I love it here, how can I tell them that I might not be staying?

I think I'm missing something...

I think I should be a lot more stressed out right now.  I have this picture of graduate school in my head, and what's happening now definitely does not fit that picture.

For example: after writing that first sentence, I got a little stressed out and did all of my homework through Wednesday.  I even finished a paper three days before it's due. 

I'm not really sure whether to be proud of myself for being so ridiculously ahead of things, or to be sad because this means I have no life whatsoever.

Well, the world didn't end yesterday...

...but it might tomorrow!  Why's that, you ask?

I just finished an entire draft of a paper three days before it's due.  I don't even know what to do with this right now.  In theory, I could just turn it in and never think about it again.  But since it's an atonement theory paper, and I don't really feel like getting branded a heretic my first semester here, I think I'll turn it in to the Writing Studio first and have them look over it.

[Translation: it's a paper about how exactly the whole salvation in Jesus thing works, and if I screw this up, it might end badly.  Thus, it's going to the free peer-review writing people.]

As you can probably tell, it's been a long day of brain-draining atonement theory ridiculousness.  Therefore, I'm going to bed before I can use 'thus' or 'therefore' again. 

Also: I might post more pictures soon, if I can get to them, so be on the lookout!

Apparently, the world is ending today.

Just thought you might want to know that.

[Yes, this is another Harold Camping prediction.  Do I actually think the world will end in a ball of fire before midnight tonight?  Nope.]

Whirlwind

Last weekend consisted of a whirlwind tour of Illinois, which looked something like this:

I arrived in Fulton at about 5:30 pm on Friday, stayed with my parents that night, and left for Galesburg at about 8:30 am.  I arrived in Galesburg around 10, and spent the day catching up with some wonderful people (and met a few new ones!)  I grudgingly left the Burg around 8 pm, and arrived back in Fulton somewhere around 9:30 after getting stuck behind a combine for about 20 minutes.  Sunday, Monday and Tuesday morning were spent in Fulton, and I arrived back in Holland around 9:30 last night.

Sunday morning, I went to church in Fulton and was finally introduced to Second as a seminary student and a classis candidate.  I kind of did things backward before I left, and the consistory recommended me to the classis without telling the congregation first.  Thus, my pastor and I finally told them this weekend.  The reactions I got were interesting:

The very first person I saw after church (who has known me since before I was born), said good-naturedly: "Well, I didn't see THAT coming!  But, I guess, neither did you..." 

Most others offered congratulations, which I thought was a little awkward.  "Congratulations, you're called to ministry!" just sounds a little weird. 

The best reaction of the day came from the mayor's wife, who said something to the effect of "Yes!  We need more strong women in the church.  Good for you!" 

Luckily, no one said anything to me about being female in ministry.  I'm sure that there are a few who aren't really OK with that, but they didn't say anything to me on Sunday, at least. 

All in all, the weekend was a successfully awkward break from thinking and papers, and I so loved seeing so many smiling, familiar faces.  Now, I'm back in class, back to my routine, and it's still blowing my mind.

Old Testament is by far my favorite class.  We spent more than an hour yesterday trying to define the word 'holy' in a way that we could understand, so that we could really get into the text with the same mindset as the people who wrote it.  (Or at least as close to that as we can get.)  One of my biggest pet peeves is when people use words that they don't really have a definition for. I don't think we really got a solid definition, but it was a good conversation at least. 

Now, in my Church History class, we're somewhere in the midst of Gnosticism, and we're studying the origins of the creeds and church structures, which the nerd in me is just giddy about.  This shouldn't surprise me, but all of my classes are kind of flowing together.  What we talk about in Theology and Worship finds its way into Church History and Congregational Studies.  Greek words keep popping up everywhere, and theological ideas like recapitulation are finding their way into all of my classes, it seems.  (Sidebar: recapitulation, on a basic level, is the idea that Jesus undid everything that Adam did wrong, thus putting the Head (Jesus) back on the Body (God's people.)  I'm a huge nerd, and so I love throwing around words like soteriology and recapitulation. I promise to not turn my posts into theological treatises.)


Now that I've successfully delayed studying for my Greek quiz for another 20 minutes, here's another edition of plus/minus:

MINUS: I do far too much driving.  I wish I could bike or walk to Servant's, but 30 miles is a bit too much. 

PLUS: I really do love my classes--even Greek! 

Full. Panic. Mode.

This week is midterms week.

Old Testament is tomorrow at 8 am, and I don't even have all of the readings done.

Greek is Thursday, and there is no way I'm going to be able to get all of this vocabulary in my head by then, not to mention the charts and lists of pronouns/demonstratives/definite articles.

Thus, full panic mode. 

Swirling Thoughts

There are so many things bouncing around in my head right now.  Here are a few:

1. Old Testament is blowing my mind.  I'm still trying to absorb the lecture from this morning.  We're up to the prophetic period in Israel's history, and one of my professor's favorite authors of all time is Abraham Joshua Heschel.  (Check him out, he's pretty cool.)  He wrote a book called The Prophets, which is about the prophetic literature, and the introduction starts off with a basic question: why are these prophets freaking out so much?  (Paraphrased, obviously.)  But we deal with the things they speak against all day, every day: poverty, famine, hunger, injustice, corruption.  What's the deal?

His answer is this: the prophets, in receiving the Spirit of God and the word to bring to the people, saw the world through God's eyes.  We have become the victims of apathy, and so we simply don't see things the way God does.  God is hurt by the things that we see and contribute to every day: poverty, slavery, famine, injustice.  Heschel uses the image of an insomniac, up all night worrying.  Freaking out over the hurt, the anxiety, the pain, and the utter devastation of His children.  Thus, rather than the wrath of God being a primary emotion, it is a secondary response to that heartbreak.  He comes into the world like a loving father, protecting His child from a playground bully.

Now, this image and my descriptions of it aren't perfect, but I would highly encourage you to read the book if you can.  It's pretty mind-boggling for people today who tend to view the OT God and the NT God (or the God of the Old Testament and that same God today) as two different beings, with different natures (even if we deny it outright.)

2. Oh my word, I'm in seminary.  There are days when I wake up and say to myself, "what in the world am I doing here?  Who am I kidding?"  I've thought about packing up and calling it a day several times in the past few weeks.  I've even looked for jobs, thinking that I would leave after this semester.  But after that lecture this morning, I could see in myself things that I didn't see before.  I'm still not entirely sure what will come of my seminary journey, and if I left after this year or even this semester, I wouldn't be incredibly surprised.  But I think now, I'm a bit more determined to stay.

3. I've given up on being 'normal'--whatever that means.  I still feel different from most of my peers, but I've given up on trying to silence the awkward, nerdy kid inside.  As much as I might want to be 'normal' sometimes, and fit in a perfect pastor box, I just don't.   I say things like 'cool beans', I have tattoos, and I'm probably the worst conversationalist ever.  I enjoy sarcasm far too much, and I have no idea how to do most of the things that a pastor does.  But I'm here, and if I can't be myself, then who in the world am I supposed to be?

4. All of a sudden, I'm throwing myself into the life of Servant's Church.  Last week, I read liturgy for the first time, and this Sunday I'm doing liturgy again AND teaching the elementary education hour class, since one of the pastors is out of town.  Today, I'll be at the church for like 12 hours setting up for and helping out with the annual auction.  It's really nice to be doing something, but the Sunday things at least are a little nerve-wracking.  (By a little, I mean I might be freaking out.)

5.  In contrast, fall is beautiful.  I forgot how much I love this season.  I spent a few hours at Lemonjello's (a coffee shop like a block from my house) yesterday afternoon, sitting outside and soaking up some sun.  The leaves are turning, and it was a gloriously perfect fall day.  Love it.

All in all, I still doubt myself far too much and I still don't know if I'm actually supposed to be here.  But I'm here, nonetheless, and I figure I'll make the most of it.  But if God calls me somewhere else next week, I won't be disappointed. 

Lacking Motivation

The past few days, I just haven't had any motivation at all.  I think I'm overwhelmed with the sheer amount of work that has to be done.  None of it is excessively difficult--there's just so much of it.  Here's a taste of my list of things to do before next Wednesday:

1. Finish and edit an open letter, based on the letters in Revelation 2-3, to the congregation that most formed me.
2. Read a 6 page article and answer 10 reflection questions on said reading.
3. Read 12 pages of Jean Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion.
4. Read a 35 page article and write out the accompanying study questions.
5. Read through seven chunks of the OT prophetic books, and memorize them well enough to be able to recognize a quote from each on the midterm and say which prophet wrote it.
6. Read several more articles and answer a whole bunch more study questions, the numbers of which I haven't yet counted.
7. Memorize at least 40 Greek vocab words, including every pronoun and definite article in the Greek language.
8. Memorize and recite to my class the Letter to Ephesus in Revelation 2-3. 

I won't bore you with the rest of it. (Yes, there's more.)  But now, you can understand my sense of 'overwhelmed.'

Despite all of this, I've taken the last two nights off from doing any real work.  I feel like I need time to absorb all of this, to reflect on it.  I need time to explore my own sense of call, I think.  But now that I'm over my head in reading, writing and 'thinking theologically', my brain just doesn't have any room to think about anything else.

By the way: if anyone can tell me how a person 'thinks theologically', and how I can switch my International Relations brain to Theology, I would very much appreciate that.  Five weeks in, I'm still not sure what that phrase means.

Other developments:

I finished another crochet project!  It's a neck warmer, for which I didn't really have a pattern.  I just kind of did whatever I felt like with it.  I'm hoping to get a picture of it that I can upload for you before I donate it to the church auction next weekend.  =]

I finally get to participate in worship this week!  I'll be the liturgist for the call to worship and the confession portion, which one of the pastors very graciously wrote out for me.  Hopefully next week I'll be able to write my own, which would be awesome. 

And finally, another PLUS/MINUS:

MINUS: Even after having been here for six weeks, I feel like I don't really know anyone yet.  Sometimes, I feel like I speak an entirely different language than most of my peers.  I don't really know how to explain it, other than in 'bubble' terms.  My bubble at Knox was so diverse (comparatively, at least), and so weird sometimes (and that's not necessarily a bad thing), that I seem to have trouble communicating with people that use the word 'normal' in a good sense.

PLUS:  There is so much support for women at Western.  Next week alone, there are two separate events just for female students: an evening with the faculty women on Tuesday, and a formal dinner with the women of Calvin Seminary (hosted by the two seminaries' presidents' wives) on Thursday.  In November, there's a luncheon (again, with Calvin), where two authors are coming to chat with us about their book and their experiences as women in pastoral ministry.  I am ridiculously excited about all of these things!

It's so refreshing to not have to defend myself or my call to anyone else here on the basis of my gender.  Do I question my own call sometimes?  Do  I have to explain my sense of 'call' every other day to someone new?  Yes, but never simply because I am a woman.  And that is awesome.

If I could figure out how to type this in Greek, I would.

I actually thought about typing an entire post in Greek, only to realize that no one would understand it.  Plus, I don't have the vocabulary to actually write it in the language, so it would all be transliterated anyway.

On that note, I must admit that I have a bit of an inflated ego from class this morning.  For some reason, Greek is coming to me extremely easily compared to most of my classmates, and my professor kept giving me that "how do you DO that??" look in class.  He asked if I planned on becoming a New Testament scholar, and I had to give him the same spiel I have to everyone else that asks me what I'm going to do with my life: "I HAVE NO IDEA."  He also (jokingly, I think) suggested that I tutor a couple of my classmates.  Awkward.

In other news, my mother came to visit this weekend!  It was wonderful to see her again, and show her where I live and what I'm doing.  I think it feels more real to me now that someone I know has experienced it with me.  If she ever gets the photo we took together off of her camera, I'll post it here! 

And here's a new part of every post to look forward to: PLUS/MINUS. (Yes, I just made that up.)  Basically, I'm going to start telling you one thing I like about the seminary or my life, and one thing that I'm not particularly a fan of. 

MINUS: Some of the people here can be quite condescending without realizing it.  This makes me sad, because most of my classmates will wind up in some sort of ministry organization or church somewhere.  (Plus side of this: I have, so far, refrained from freaking out on anyone for certain things.)

PLUS: lots of free food!  The community kitchen (free hot meals for anyone) runs out of the seminary, so I can get a free, fresh hot meal seven days a week and interact with people from Holland.  (This only applies on the three days that I don't have to work, however.)

Speaking of food, I'm off to a meet-and-greet luncheon! 

Things I've Learned

I keep thinking that today is Friday, only to realize that Friday is much less exciting when you have to work all day on Saturday. Thus, to make my day a little more interesting (and yours, too, I suppose), here are some things I've learned in the past two weeks or so:

1. My Church History professor has a PhD in Astrophysics. He converted to Christianity after reading the book of Proverbs, got another PhD, and now teaches at Western. Not. Even. Kidding.
2. My Old Testament professor blew my mind this week. Genesis is quite confusing if you really pay attention. Go read Genesis 1. Now tell me: how was there light before the sun? How did plants and trees exist before the sun? (Exactly.)
3. I make some awesome stir-fry. So awesome, in fact, that I eat it almost every day for dinner.
4. In the neighborhood my teaching church is in (Westown), there are a ton of sketchy liquor stores. Often, what they'll 'hire' a few homeless men to stock shelves and unload trucks, and pay them in beer. Sometimes, they'll let them sleep in a gutted, disgusting apartment upstairs. I'll never understand humanity.
5. One of the first people I met at my church was an older lady named Jerrie. I found out last night that she was a painter, and she made over a hundred paintings. They're scattered throughout the world now, but she donated two to the church auction. They're amazing. If I had the money, I would buy one in a heartbeat.
6. Michigan is cold and dark. The high today was 59 degrees, and the sun still wasn't all the way up when I went to class at 7:45 this morning. Ridiculous.
7. I still remember enough Spanish to understand the general direction of a conversation, but not enough to really contribute. It works out well when I meet someone who understands English, but doesn't speak it very well, because they can speak Spanish and I can speak English.
8. I need to sleep less and study more. Greek, for example, is relatively simple so far, but I just don't have the motivation to sit down and study it for half an hour every day.
9. I've become so familiar with the library database software that I almost put a library joke on facebook today. Problem? This joke is only applicable to the 4 people that currently understand my seminary's library problems, and I'm not facebook friends with a single one.
10. Grocery shopping is ridiculously predictable. I've found that a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, one dozen eggs and two boxes of cereal will last for two weeks. A bunch of bananas will go in one week, and a cup of cooked rice will make at least two meals.
11. Servant's is almost exactly half an hour from my house. I keep leaving about 45 minutes before I need to be there, just out of caution, only to get there 15-18 minutes early. Awkward.

why I love my church

Sometimes it scares me how easily I adapt to new things.  A month ago, I couldn't even fathom going to sleep before 10 pm.  Six months ago, I had meetings that started at 10 pm.  Now, though, getting up at 6:15 am is normal, and being awake at 10 pm means not-good things for the next morning.  Waking up to the sun means one of two things: it's Sunday, or I'm late for class. 

I feel like this is somewhere I've always been.  It's quite an odd feeling, when I think about it. 

Then, there are the mornings when I wake up and realize that I'm in seminary.  For a split second, I freak out--and then I remember everything that brought me here.  If I've gotten this far, God must have something for me here, right?

I've said this before, but I really do love my teaching church.  It's a community church that is deeply committed to the neighborhood that it's in.  It's not really a great one--there is a lot of unemployment, some gang activity, dilapidated homes, and homelessness.  But this church makes a point of making everyone equals.  Everyone contributes something to the church, whether it's financial resources, time and energy, or spiritual gifts.  Last week, one of the consistory members (who was wearing jeans and a flannel shirt, by the way) stood to give the call to worship. 

Each week, they do what's called a 'Family Feast', which is basically a community meal.  It's free to any visitor, and a different church provides it and serves it each week.  They have other churches do it so that there's no hierarchy within the community--no set group of people giving handouts to another. 

The very first Sunday I walked in, they did something I have never seen another church do in my life.  They had a footwashing service.  That's right--they got on their hands and knees and washed one anothers' feet in a gesture of humility, equity, and love. 

But I think the most simple reason I love it is the atmosphere, or the attitude: the pastor described it as "come as you are, sometimes to the point of annoyance."  It reminds me a lot of Knox, where 'normal' is a setting on the dryer.  It's multi-generational, multi-ethnic, and just a very loving, open community. 

I'm about to head over there now, so hopefully none of this changes.  But if God brought me here just to learn from this community, I would be OK with that.

(Someone remind me this week to post about the sermon series that Servant's is doing.  It's pretty darn awesome!)

Servant's Community

Here are a couple of new developments in my life:

1. I am officially an intern at Servant's Community Church in Grand Rapids!  I'm driving up tonight to be a part of their Wednesday evening meal and prayer service, and I'll be officially introduced on Sunday during worship.  Here's their website, for those interested: www.servantschurch.org

2. I started work last week as a "Technical Services Student" in the library.  I now know more about library software than I ever thought I would, and I'm really hoping that it all found a spot in my brain, because I don't want to spend another two hours staring at a computer screen trying to figure it out.

3. Tomorrow, as a 'happy Thursday' present, I get to endure four hours of psychological testing.  This is something the seminary does for all of the first-year students, just to make sure they aren't letting future mass-murderers loose into the world with an M.Div.  For those of you familiar with such tests, I'm taking the MMPI2, the 16 Personality Factors test, and the Campbell Interest and Skill Survey, all in one afternoon.  Sounds like fun, right?

In other news...

My head is spinning with Greek and Theology and Church History and internships and library things.  Keeping track of six classes, an internship, and my job is ridiculously difficult.  Now I understand why so many students elect to spend four years on their degree rather than three.  It's not difficult work, there's just so much of it! 

I also understand why I was told on Monday that for the sake of my sanity, it's not advisable to do all of the homework I'm assigned. Obviously, things like papers and exams take precedence, but don't do all of the readings. I still haven't figured out how to decide which ones you skip or skim, though...

Speaking of which, I'm off to go learn some Greek definite articles and vocabulary. 

Things I should be doing right now:

1. Studying for my Greek quiz. (First person to tell me the best way to memorize first declension noun cases wins a baked good of their choice!)

2.  Reading two weeks' worth of backed-up Theology homework.  (I should get the book in the mail today.)

3.  Preparing myself for my internship interview tomorrow.  (I already like this pastor.  He's hilarious.)

4.  Familiarizing myself with the library catalog and locations of things in the library.  (Did I mention I got an awesome job in the library?)

5.  Anything but blogging. (Oh well.)

For those of you cringing at the sight of my procrastination, take comfort in the fact that while doing this, I've gone through my syllabi and figured out exactly what I need to do this week.  I'll have plenty of time to get it all done and still fit 8 hours of sleep in. 

To be honest, I don't feel like a graduate student yet.  I barely feel like a student!  I'm sure this will come back to bite me around midterms, but so far this semester is cake compared to a term at Knox.  It's week two and I don't have anything major due for at least another week.  One of my classes doesn't even have anything but lectures, some readings, and a midterm and final.  The exams are our only two grades.  I didn't think that these courses really existed in academia, but apprently they do. 

Now that I have 20 minutes left until my library training seminar, I guess I'll go study Greek now. 

To those of you who have Pumphandle today, enjoy it while it lasts.  Someday you'll be sitting at a desk in some strange place and wonder how in the world you got there.

things I learned this week

1. Most of my classmates went to RCA schools.  I, in contrast, went to Knox College, the polar opposite of said RCA schools.   
2. The Greek alphabet's lower case.
3. The earth is, according to one of my professors, approximately 5015 years old.
4. Martyrdom, in ancient times, referred to the actual testimony given before a court that resulted in death, not the death itself.
5. Nero really was crazy, and even his own subjects thought so.
6. In Zambia, cornmeal is a dietary staple.
7. A semester system really is much less intense than a 3-term system.  The heaviest reading load I'll ever have for one of my classes is 40 pages.  I can deal with that.
8. 1 out of 7 people will get my name right on the first try.  The rest will either look at me like I'm a little nuts, or make jokes about being "JUICED!" 
9. My advisor's name is Sue, and part of me swears that I know her from somewhere.
10. There are far too many people here that look familiar.  And at least half of the people here have been to Fulton, are related to someone in Fulton, or know a pastor that once lived in Fulton.

As you can tell, most of this is useless information.  I have learned useful things, but haven't really found a way to put them in a short, pithy sentence.  There will be more of these, rest assured, but for now, I'm just going to go eat dinner and try to tackle part of this mountain.

Ahead, Behind, and In Between

Today has been a good day.  Despite being late for both of my classes this morning (by about a minute each time, but still late), and drinking far too much coffee, today is a good day.

I have to admit, being in a place where God is not taboo is really refreshing.  I can happily trot up to one of my classmates and say "God is so good!" without having them look at me like I have three heads.  I loved (and still love) my time at Knox, but it's nice to be surrounded by other Christians. 

We sang my very favorite song in chapel this morning, and there's nothing quite like being drowned out by a thunderous crowd singing In Christ Alone.  The male-female ratio here is exactly the opposite of Knox, with at least twice as many males as females, so it's a very different dynamic. 

Besides my favorite song, two more awesome things just happened in the past half hour.  First off, the seminary president (Tim Brown) just walked by me in the atrium (where I'm currently sitting) and said "Sarah!  How's it going?", and proceeded to have an actual conversation.  To know that the president actually cares about who I am and how I'm doing just gives me that warm, fuzzy feeling that I liked so much about Knox.  Not that Roger ever did remember who I was, but it's nice to walk around and see friendly faces. 

Not ten minutes later, the circulation manager from the library walked through the atrium looking for some coffee.  I had interviewed two separate times for positions in the library (one at the front desk and one doing cataloguing), and she then proceeded to offer me a both jobs!  So I go in on Thursday for training, and I'll be working a couple of afternoons per week, some hours over lunch, and probably one Saturday per month.  I wanted this job so badly, because I really deplore my current job.  [For those that missed this, I currently hand out free samples at Walmart for a living.]   So I'll probably send in my letter of resignation sometime this evening, and see whether they still want me to work at Walmart on Saturday.  It's such a relief to have that burden gone!

And, finally, I think I might have an internship site in the works!  I haven't heard anything from them yet, but one of the administrative staff from Western emailed on my behalf and I sent an introductory email this morning.  So hopefully that will work out, and I'll have an internship soon. 

That's the life update for the day.  Check back tomorrow for a 'what I'm learning' update!

Alphabet Soup

Can you imagine what Greek alphabet soup would look like?  Ridiculous, that's what.  I'm currently trying to memorize the lower-case versions of the alphabet, and my handwriting (which is already atrocious) is now even worse.  I would show you, but, well...

In other news, classes start tomorrow.  The week starts off with Entering Christian Ministry at 8 am, followed by chapel, then Church History.  Sounds like fun, right?

Tuesday's schedule is even better: Greek at 7:45 am, chapel, then Intro to Theology and Worship, followed by a four-hour break until Congregational Studies begins.  Wednesday adds Old Testament Survey to the mix. 

Believe it or not, I'm actually excited for most of those classes.  I'm especially looking forward to Greek, despite the horror stories I've heard.  Maybe by the end of the semester I'll have changed my tune, but I'm reveling in my blissful ignorance for now.

Friendship House is wonderful.  The community here is great--just walk down the hall and you might find a movie night, an ice cream run, or a 14-mile bike ride at 7 am.  (All of those things have happened in the past 48 hours, by the way.)

To be honest, I wasn't a fan of the seminary at all when I first arrived.  But this place might just grow on me after all.  I told my mother this morning that I'll stay here until graduation, or until God tells me to leave, whichever comes first.  I don't know what God has planned for me, but I can finally trust that it will. be. epic. 

So, what's new?

It just fit.

Everyone's been asking me "why seminary?" since I've moved to Holland.  To be honest, that whole discerning process is very much a blur right now.  I've managed to come up with an answer every time, but explaining how I got here is difficult.  All I can say is 'well, it just fit.'  It felt right.  I haven't managed to get a straight answer out of anyone else, so who knows what the 'proper' reason for coming to seminary is.  I sure don't.  All I know is that I'm here, and I'm going to give this my all until God sends me somewhere else. 

Living in the Friendship House is getting a lot better.  I finally have all three of my roommates here, and the newest one is a first-year student, who also came here straight from college, so it's nice to have someone to share that experience with.  I'm still in that awkward phase of trying to meet people, but so far I have met some really nice guys, who happen to live downstairs.  The Friends are really sweet, and I think this will be a good way to keep me grounded.  To be honest, I was really nervous moving in here, and I'm still a little nervous, but I'm hoping it will be good.

I also saw some good friends from Knox this weekend, and tonight.  (I keep forgetting it's Monday.)  The InterVarsity crew went through Holland on Friday, and Jamie stopped by tonight.   It's so nice to see familiar faces, and speak the Knox language.  I didn't realize how much of a bubble I had until I got here, and everyone speaks differently and acts differently.  It's probably sad to say this, but I think I'm going through a little bit of culture shock right now.  I'm the only one here from a secular school [that I know of], and it's a little disconcerting. 

All in all, I think this will be an interesting experience, to say the least. 

It all fit!

That's right.  All of my belongings [minus my guitar, which I forgot] made it into my car and all the way to Holland with me!  If there's one thing I'm good at after state-hopping for four years, it's packing.  =]

Saying goodbye today was hard, and mom and I both cried (we're criers, what can I say?).  But it was a good summer at home, and I think I needed that after being gone for so long.  Could I have done without parts of it?  Sure.  But overall, it was good. 

On the way here, I managed to stop for lunch in Chicago, where I got to see the lovely Kat, and almost got lost in Indiana directly afterwards.  This is what happens when you use your phone as a GPS, and its battery dies in the middle of your trip.  Luckily, I've made this drive enough that I recognized some major landmarks and found my way to Holland without my GPS.  I also had some help from a random guy at the Michigan Welcome Center, and found out that I really wasn't lost, and in fact had been on the correct road the whole time! 

I also stopped at Sherman's Ice Cream in South Haven for dinner, and ran into one of my Knox professors!  Sometimes, I feel like things like this only happen to me.  Story time!

I had been driving for close to 5 hours, and there was a line out the door of Sherman's.  So when I finally got my ice cream, I went to sit down, and I heard someone say "Sarah??"  And, no joke, there sat Daniel Beers, my Russian and East European Politics professor.  Not even kidding.  Although random, it was nice to chat with him and his wife for a while, and see some friendly and familiar faces. 

By this time tomorrow, I'll be all moved into Friendship House, and hopefully will have seen some of my favorite Knox people, who will be on their way to Cedar Campus! 

All in all, I'm really glad that God brought me here. I think that He has some tricks up His sleeve with this one, but I think today I learned that even though I'm far from friends and family, and I might feel lost sometimes, there's always a purpose.

So to my family and friends that might feel left behind, I do love you ohsomuch!  And that's why this blog is here, to keep you in the loop on what's going on in my life.  But I don't want this to just be one-sided, where you hear all of my stories and I don't get to hear any of yours!  So use the comments box below each post, send me an email, call me, or Facebook me.  But keep ME in the loop too!  =]

Still Packing.

Remember when I said I wasn't going to procrastinate this time?

I failed.

In my defense, I do have two boxes and my backpack packed, plus my files.  I've also taken 5 bags of donations and three giant bags of trash out of my room since the start of this, so I don't think I'm doing too terribly.  I still have tomorrow, right?

Yeah, you're right.  Time to get back to work!

Welcome!

If you're reading this, I'm guessing you've figured out that this is the place to come to see and hear what's happening, what I'm learning, and how I'm doing at seminary!

As of now, (Sunday evening), I'm still procrastinating packing by watching the Food Network.  I can't seem to peel myself away from The Next Food Network Star.  The boxes will still be there in the morning, right?

I leave on Thursday at approxmately 9 am, so look forward to lots of pictures and other updates next weekend!