Life is constantly proving me wrong.

Snapshot of my Monday:
8 am - 9:30 am: Peer Group/Formation for Ministry
9:40-10:10 am: Chapel and announcements
10:20-11:20 am: Church History
12:00 pm - 4 pm: Workin' in the library
4 - 5 pm: Meeting with a psychiatrist to discuss my psychological testing results
5 - 6:20 pm: Grocery shopping
6:30 - 8:30 pm: Ryan Ende lectures on human sexuality

Holy wow, it's been a long day. But I have SO MUCH to tell you! So here's another edition of "things I learned today."

1. I am NOT, in fact, an introvert. According to three different psychological tests, I am simply an extremely self-conscious extrovert. Thus, the title of this post. (Of course, this comes less than a week after I told several rooms full of people and Facebook that I'm an introvert.)

2. Psychological tests, when you're honest in taking them, are scarily accurate. The good news, though, is that I'm not crazy!

3. Christians aren't all human-hating, ridiculous, perfectionist creatures. I wish I could write more about the Ende lecture tonight, and how incredibly refreshing it was to not be doused in hate for two hours, but I'll have to write more tomorrow when my mind is not full of twelve different things I'm supposed to be doing right now. So check back here at this time tomorrow!

"You suck, try harder," and letting go.

"You suck, try harder." 

In Jim Belcher's book, Deep Church, he references this in the preaching section.  It characterizes so much of the preaching that happens in American churches today, and sums it up in just those four words.  We've put the cart before the horse, so to speak, and we've forgotten that good deeds and a life worthy of bearing the name 'Christian' come from faith, not before it. (In other words, you can't expect someone who is not a Christian to act, think, and believe in the same way that a Christian does.)  So many pastors have forgotten to preach the "mystery of the faith", as the Communion Prayer calls it: "Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again!"  They've been so busy preaching about how to act/look/think/politic like a 'good Christian', they forgot the whole point. 

I could rant about this for ages, but I'll leave you there to think about that for a while.

On a somewhat related note, the theme of the rest of 2011 is letting go. 

Letting go of my own self-doubt, letting go of my own desire to be better at life, to be a different person, letting go of damaged relationships that just can't be repaired, and letting go of this death grip I've had (pun maybe intended) on the direction of my life.  As of right now, it's full-steam-ahead for seminary.  I'm staying until God throws me out, which hopefully will not happen tomorrow.

I have interviews tomorrow afternoon with my classis (regional body of church governance) to come under care of the classis.  This is a requirement for ordination in the Reformed Church in America (RCA), and this is how they sort of keep an eye on pastors-in-training.  They give us oral exams at the end of every academic year, they check in on us spiritually, they offer help when needed, etc.  (It sounds like a really great thing until you get to the exams, right?)

I've been told that this is sort of a formality, and that since my church's consistory has enthusiastically recommended me to the classis, it shouldn't be a problem.  But I never believe it when someone tells me that.  I do my best to not make assumptions.  If something ridiculous happens tomorrow, and I see God telling me "you know what, Sarah, this really isn't for you," then I'll laugh at myself for a while and start over. 

Until then, I'm letting go and moving on. The sign my mother hung in the living room when I was young still hangs in the house: "get over it, get on with it."

Goals for 2012

Yes, I realize it's only November. I'm OK with that. This list will be added to as the year finishes up!

1. Learn the basics of guitar. Even if I can't actually play anything by the end of the year, I would at least like to know how to tune the thing!

2. Spend less time online and more time with real humans. It's not that you all aren't real humans, and I love you all dearly. But I think I'm spending too much time wishing I could be with all of you wonderful people scattered across the world, and not quite enough time investing in the lives of the people in the immediate vicinity.

3. Run a 5K race. (It's OK, I giggled a little when I wrote that, too. But I'm serious!)

A thought from Roger

Towards the end of my time at Knox, I had the privilege of having lunch with Roger and Anne Taylor, as well as Professor Hulett and a wonderful Knox alumni.  I had received the Rev. Pete Hosutt Scholarship, named in honor of a member of the class of '55 who spent several decades as an Army chaplain.  After explaining that I was coming to seminary this fall, they proceeded to ask the question that every recent graduate hates: 'so what are you going to do with that?' 

I explained that althought I have no certain plans, I'm looking for something in pastoral ministry, possibly as a parish pastor or a chaplain.  Then, the next inevitable question came from Tony, a friend of Rev. Hosutt: 'Have you considered being an Army chaplain?'

To be honest, at that point I really hadn't.  I'm not sure how I feel about military service.  But then Roger piped up: "You should be a Navy chaplain!  They have better uniforms anyway."

We laughed, and Anne explained that Roger spent some time in the Navy at some point.  The conversation continued and drifted from my plans, but Roger's comment stuck with me for some silly reason.  I researched it a bit, and found that it might actually be feasible.  (Navy chaplains, unlike chaplains in other branches, are officially non-combatants and are not authorized to carry weapons or participate in combat.  That was definitely a non-negotiable.)  And I know for a fact that there are female chaplains throughout the Navy, somewhat allaying my fears of being a female pastor. 

I keep coming back to this, and I can't really figure out why.  Maybe it's my slightly unhealthy need to have some concrete plan or goal.  Maybe it's something different.  But I keep thinking about it. 

What if this, of all things, is my calling?  It's a slightly terrifying thought.  But it's possible. 

Do you have thoughts?  I would love to hear them.  Obviously, I still have two years of seminary left if I decide that this is really what God has called me to.  I won't be running off to join the Navy anytime soon.  But it's a thought, and one that just won't leave me alone...

Things I've learned this week

1. I'm so glad I went to Knox.  Even if I come in somewhat behind in theology and church history, I have learned how to learn.  I learned how to write.  I learned how to budget time and prioritize, (even though I still sucked at that when I graduated.)  Above all, it was intense.  Even though I have six classes, they aren't nearly as difficult as Knox's classes.  (The longest paper I've had to write so far was 1200 words.) 

2. I do, however, need to spend more time studying Greek.  I can translate wonderfully, but I have no desire whatsoever to memorize vocabulary or verb endings.  This is not a problem for homework, but is definitely affecting my daily quiz grades. 

3.  I have far too much time on my hands.  This is closely related to the first thing.  At this point in November, I'm usually going crazy with finals week approaching far too quickly.  But right now, I have more than a month until finals (which is both a blessing and a curse), and I spend far too much time staring at the internet.  Thus, if anyone knows of some great work-from-home jobs, I would be more than happy to hear about them.

4.  Sleep is not for the weak.  In fact, sleep is a glorious thing.  My Knox motto was something to the effect of "I'll sleep when I'm dead."  Now, though, I can head to bed at 8:30 pm if I so please.  Call me an old lady if you like, but I do so enjoy sleeping.

5. I need to read more.  I just came back from a panel discussion with two local pastors and the seminary's president, who talked about what it looks like to read in the pastoral life.  Since I also work in the library, I see every new book that goes on the shelves.  I want to read all of them!  But at the same time, I'm far too overwhelmed already by theological reading, and if I read one more thing about original sin and/or predestination, I might punch something. 

6. In Church History, we spent the past week redefining words and throwing some out.  For example, there is no such thing as Augustinian thought, because Augustine's writings are all over the place on almost every issue.  There's also no such thing as 'Greek thought.'  Those two phrases are now anathema in the seminary. 

7.  Apparently, blogging looks remarkably like homework.  My Old Testament professor thought I was sitting in the atrium being studious.  Alas...

Things I should be doing right now

Here's another edition of 'things I should be doing right now.' 

1. Writing my Church History paper.  (Interestingly enough, this paper has very little to do with church history, but it's a part of the M.Div version of a thesis, called a Credo, which we work on in small chunks over three years.)

2.  Cleaning my room.  It's not dirty, per se, but rather full of laundry which needs to be done.

3.  Reading anything but silly online news articles.  (See the Onion for some great sarcasm and punditry!)

4.  Studying my wonderful Greek verb tenses.  I have to admit, that class was a lot more fun when there were only three tenses, instead of eight.  (Tenses we've done so far: Present Active Indicative, Present Middle/Passive Indicative, Imperfect Active Indicative, Imperfect Middle/Passive Indicative, Future Active Indicative, Future Middle Indicative, First Aorist and Second Aorist.  I think.)

5.  Eating dinner, rather than drinking massive amounts of tea.  (4 cups and counting!)
(Edit: gave in and made dinner.  Check.)

Two things:

1. I found my keys!  They were stuffed in a couch in the student lounge, where my peer group meets on Monday mornings.  That's the only place I had been the entire week that I forgot to look in, and there they were.  I feel a little silly.  But last night I went and made three more copies of my car keys, so I have a couple of extra sets no matter where I am. 

2. I put two more photos on the photo page!  They're old-ish, and not super exciting, but what can I say?  Hopefully I'll have more exciting things to put up soon.

Lost my mind...and my keys.

My keys have officially been missing for 25 hours.  I have looked literally everywhere.  I emptied my dressers, I cleared my desk, I went through every coat, bag and piece of clothing I own, I went through the trash, I looked in the seminary, I asked at the front desk, I looked in the library, I stripped my bed, I stripped the couch, and I looked in all of the kitchen cupboards, the refrigerator, the freezer, and the dishwasher. 

They seem to have vanished into thin air.  I'm extremely frustrated, because this means I have no car keys, no house keys, and no church key.  I couldn't even go to church in Grand Rapids last night, because I have no spare car key.  My parents found a few at the house that they think could be one of my spare keys, and they've mailed them to me, so hopefully one of those works.  At least then, I could drive my car, even if I can't get into my mailbox.  (The house keys aren't a huge deal, since my house has a keypad.)

If and when they reappear, the very first thing I'm doing is attaching something that says 'if found, return to....', and making about 6 copies of all of my keys, because this is just ridiculous.