Many, many thanks to those of you who commented on my last post, here or elsewhere! I am always grateful for extra thoughts and insights.
After a lot (A LOT) of freaking out, a lot of time spent looking at jobs, a lot of time spent talking through this with others, and a lot of processing the last semester, I've decided to withdraw from Western. There are a lot of things I'll miss, but I think this is for the best.
For now, I'll be moving back to my parents' house in Fulton. For the long term, I have already applied for several positions, mostly located in Chicago and Boston. I'll also be applying soon for an Americorps opportunity in Rhode Island that I'm really excited about!
This is not the end of my seminary journey, not by any means. I plan on either transferring to a different school depending on where I end up, attending part-time while working, or I'll return later as a full-time student. I may change degree programs, or I may stay with the M.Div. We'll see what happens when that time comes!
All in all, I feel good about this. I'm pretty certain that this is going to be a good thing. The hardest part, though, is yet to come--the actual act of leaving. I am terrible at goodbyes.
Showing posts with label God's plans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God's plans. Show all posts
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Decisions, Compromises, and Lingering Questions
I'm not sure that pastoral ministry is something I should be doing.
There, I said it!
The more I process this semester, including the things I loved, the things I hated, and the giant chunk that fell somewhere in between, the more I realize that I've been trying to stuff myself into this 'ideal pastor' box and not being myself. I am socially awkward, I am (gasp!) a liberal, I enjoy margaritas once in a while, and I swear sometimes (read: more often than a seminarian probably should.) But I love people. I love helping people and listening to their stories. I love coordinating programs. I enjoy having projects to work on, and I love learning. I'm not saying that none of those things also characterize a good pastor, but I'm starting to think that I am just not cut out for this. I can do the bookwork, believe me. If I've calculated properly, I will have a B or better in all of my classes. But I don't feel like I can be my slightly wacky self at Western. I knew that this would probably happen before I even got there, but I went anyway, hoping and praying that I was wrong.
So now, a decision has to be made. Do I continue on there, disliking it as much as I do? Do I show up for a second semester hoping that things get better? Or do I apply for jobs in the next two weeks, switch to the distance learning program, and move somewhere else? Or do I drop out of seminary altogether, and go to work somewhere? Do I switch degree programs?
I'm not going to lie to you, the last two options are the most appealing at this very moment. I don't plan on making any decisions tonight, but this is what's going on in my head right now. Advice, a smack on the head, or insights, from those willing to offer them, are always valued.
All of that said, here's what I don't want you to take away from this post:
Don't think that I'm completely unhappy. My classes have broadened my faith and I've fallen in love with the Church all over again. I found what church is meant to be, and I love it.
Don't think that everyone at Western is a terrible person. There are some wonderfully genuine people there, and the faculty are brilliant and caring, for the most part. It's culture shock, more than anything, that gets me down.
Even if I do leave, this is not the end of my involvement in ministry. Even if I don't wind up with an M.Div., I will always be heavily involved in churches and advocacy organizations. This thought keeps me in check--God, after all, has a calling for each of us. But that call isn't always to pastoral ministry.
Finally, this last semester was not a waste. Western was definitely the place that I needed to be this fall. I will walk away with more insight and theological knowledge (and questions) than I ever thought I could absorb in a single semester.
All said and done, I don't know where I'll be in a year. Hell, I don't even know where I'll be in 3 months. There's something exciting about this, and something terrifying about these decisions, compromises, and lingering questions.
There, I said it!
The more I process this semester, including the things I loved, the things I hated, and the giant chunk that fell somewhere in between, the more I realize that I've been trying to stuff myself into this 'ideal pastor' box and not being myself. I am socially awkward, I am (gasp!) a liberal, I enjoy margaritas once in a while, and I swear sometimes (read: more often than a seminarian probably should.) But I love people. I love helping people and listening to their stories. I love coordinating programs. I enjoy having projects to work on, and I love learning. I'm not saying that none of those things also characterize a good pastor, but I'm starting to think that I am just not cut out for this. I can do the bookwork, believe me. If I've calculated properly, I will have a B or better in all of my classes. But I don't feel like I can be my slightly wacky self at Western. I knew that this would probably happen before I even got there, but I went anyway, hoping and praying that I was wrong.
So now, a decision has to be made. Do I continue on there, disliking it as much as I do? Do I show up for a second semester hoping that things get better? Or do I apply for jobs in the next two weeks, switch to the distance learning program, and move somewhere else? Or do I drop out of seminary altogether, and go to work somewhere? Do I switch degree programs?
I'm not going to lie to you, the last two options are the most appealing at this very moment. I don't plan on making any decisions tonight, but this is what's going on in my head right now. Advice, a smack on the head, or insights, from those willing to offer them, are always valued.
All of that said, here's what I don't want you to take away from this post:
Don't think that I'm completely unhappy. My classes have broadened my faith and I've fallen in love with the Church all over again. I found what church is meant to be, and I love it.
Don't think that everyone at Western is a terrible person. There are some wonderfully genuine people there, and the faculty are brilliant and caring, for the most part. It's culture shock, more than anything, that gets me down.
Even if I do leave, this is not the end of my involvement in ministry. Even if I don't wind up with an M.Div., I will always be heavily involved in churches and advocacy organizations. This thought keeps me in check--God, after all, has a calling for each of us. But that call isn't always to pastoral ministry.
Finally, this last semester was not a waste. Western was definitely the place that I needed to be this fall. I will walk away with more insight and theological knowledge (and questions) than I ever thought I could absorb in a single semester.
All said and done, I don't know where I'll be in a year. Hell, I don't even know where I'll be in 3 months. There's something exciting about this, and something terrifying about these decisions, compromises, and lingering questions.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
It all fit!
That's right. All of my belongings [minus my guitar, which I forgot] made it into my car and all the way to Holland with me! If there's one thing I'm good at after state-hopping for four years, it's packing. =]
Saying goodbye today was hard, and mom and I both cried (we're criers, what can I say?). But it was a good summer at home, and I think I needed that after being gone for so long. Could I have done without parts of it? Sure. But overall, it was good.
On the way here, I managed to stop for lunch in Chicago, where I got to see the lovely Kat, and almost got lost in Indiana directly afterwards. This is what happens when you use your phone as a GPS, and its battery dies in the middle of your trip. Luckily, I've made this drive enough that I recognized some major landmarks and found my way to Holland without my GPS. I also had some help from a random guy at the Michigan Welcome Center, and found out that I really wasn't lost, and in fact had been on the correct road the whole time!
I also stopped at Sherman's Ice Cream in South Haven for dinner, and ran into one of my Knox professors! Sometimes, I feel like things like this only happen to me. Story time!
I had been driving for close to 5 hours, and there was a line out the door of Sherman's. So when I finally got my ice cream, I went to sit down, and I heard someone say "Sarah??" And, no joke, there sat Daniel Beers, my Russian and East European Politics professor. Not even kidding. Although random, it was nice to chat with him and his wife for a while, and see some friendly and familiar faces.
By this time tomorrow, I'll be all moved into Friendship House, and hopefully will have seen some of my favorite Knox people, who will be on their way to Cedar Campus!
All in all, I'm really glad that God brought me here. I think that He has some tricks up His sleeve with this one, but I think today I learned that even though I'm far from friends and family, and I might feel lost sometimes, there's always a purpose.
So to my family and friends that might feel left behind, I do love you ohsomuch! And that's why this blog is here, to keep you in the loop on what's going on in my life. But I don't want this to just be one-sided, where you hear all of my stories and I don't get to hear any of yours! So use the comments box below each post, send me an email, call me, or Facebook me. But keep ME in the loop too! =]
Saying goodbye today was hard, and mom and I both cried (we're criers, what can I say?). But it was a good summer at home, and I think I needed that after being gone for so long. Could I have done without parts of it? Sure. But overall, it was good.
On the way here, I managed to stop for lunch in Chicago, where I got to see the lovely Kat, and almost got lost in Indiana directly afterwards. This is what happens when you use your phone as a GPS, and its battery dies in the middle of your trip. Luckily, I've made this drive enough that I recognized some major landmarks and found my way to Holland without my GPS. I also had some help from a random guy at the Michigan Welcome Center, and found out that I really wasn't lost, and in fact had been on the correct road the whole time!
I also stopped at Sherman's Ice Cream in South Haven for dinner, and ran into one of my Knox professors! Sometimes, I feel like things like this only happen to me. Story time!
I had been driving for close to 5 hours, and there was a line out the door of Sherman's. So when I finally got my ice cream, I went to sit down, and I heard someone say "Sarah??" And, no joke, there sat Daniel Beers, my Russian and East European Politics professor. Not even kidding. Although random, it was nice to chat with him and his wife for a while, and see some friendly and familiar faces.
By this time tomorrow, I'll be all moved into Friendship House, and hopefully will have seen some of my favorite Knox people, who will be on their way to Cedar Campus!
All in all, I'm really glad that God brought me here. I think that He has some tricks up His sleeve with this one, but I think today I learned that even though I'm far from friends and family, and I might feel lost sometimes, there's always a purpose.
So to my family and friends that might feel left behind, I do love you ohsomuch! And that's why this blog is here, to keep you in the loop on what's going on in my life. But I don't want this to just be one-sided, where you hear all of my stories and I don't get to hear any of yours! So use the comments box below each post, send me an email, call me, or Facebook me. But keep ME in the loop too! =]
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