Decisions, Compromises, and Lingering Questions

I'm not sure that pastoral ministry is something I should be doing.

There, I said it! 

The more I process this semester, including the things I loved, the things I hated, and the giant chunk that fell somewhere in between, the more I realize that I've been trying to stuff myself into this 'ideal pastor' box and not being myself.  I am socially awkward, I am (gasp!) a liberal, I enjoy margaritas once in a while, and I swear sometimes (read: more often than a seminarian probably should.)  But I love people.  I love helping people and listening to their stories.  I love coordinating programs.  I enjoy having projects to work on, and I love learning.  I'm not saying that none of those things also characterize a good pastor, but I'm starting to think that I am just not cut out for this.  I can do the bookwork, believe me.  If I've calculated properly, I will have a B or better in all of my classes.  But I don't feel like I can be my slightly wacky self at Western.  I knew that this would probably happen before I even got there, but I went anyway, hoping and praying that I was wrong. 

So now, a decision has to be made.  Do I continue on there, disliking it as much as I do?  Do I show up for a second semester hoping that things get better?  Or do I apply for jobs in the next two weeks, switch to the distance learning program, and move somewhere else?  Or do I drop out of seminary altogether, and go to work somewhere?  Do I switch degree programs?

I'm not going to lie to you, the last two options are the most appealing at this very moment.  I don't plan on making any decisions tonight, but this is what's going on in my head right now.  Advice, a smack on the head, or insights, from those willing to offer them, are always valued. 

All of that said, here's what I don't want you to take away from this post:

Don't think that I'm completely unhappy.  My classes have broadened my faith and I've fallen in love with the Church all over again.  I found what church is meant to be, and I love it. 

Don't think that everyone at Western is a terrible person.  There are some wonderfully genuine people there, and the faculty are brilliant and caring, for the most part.  It's culture shock, more than anything, that gets me down.

Even if I do leave, this is not the end of my involvement in ministry.  Even if I don't wind up with an M.Div., I will always be heavily involved in churches and advocacy organizations.  This thought keeps me in check--God, after all, has a calling for each of us.  But that call isn't always to pastoral ministry.

Finally, this last semester was not a waste.  Western was definitely the place that I needed to be this fall.  I will walk away with more insight and theological knowledge (and questions) than I ever thought I could absorb in a single semester.  

All said and done, I don't know where I'll be in a year.  Hell, I don't even know where I'll be in 3 months.  There's something exciting about this, and something terrifying about these decisions, compromises, and lingering questions.

things I learned this week

1. Most of my classmates went to RCA schools.  I, in contrast, went to Knox College, the polar opposite of said RCA schools.   
2. The Greek alphabet's lower case.
3. The earth is, according to one of my professors, approximately 5015 years old.
4. Martyrdom, in ancient times, referred to the actual testimony given before a court that resulted in death, not the death itself.
5. Nero really was crazy, and even his own subjects thought so.
6. In Zambia, cornmeal is a dietary staple.
7. A semester system really is much less intense than a 3-term system.  The heaviest reading load I'll ever have for one of my classes is 40 pages.  I can deal with that.
8. 1 out of 7 people will get my name right on the first try.  The rest will either look at me like I'm a little nuts, or make jokes about being "JUICED!" 
9. My advisor's name is Sue, and part of me swears that I know her from somewhere.
10. There are far too many people here that look familiar.  And at least half of the people here have been to Fulton, are related to someone in Fulton, or know a pastor that once lived in Fulton.

As you can tell, most of this is useless information.  I have learned useful things, but haven't really found a way to put them in a short, pithy sentence.  There will be more of these, rest assured, but for now, I'm just going to go eat dinner and try to tackle part of this mountain.

Alphabet Soup

Can you imagine what Greek alphabet soup would look like?  Ridiculous, that's what.  I'm currently trying to memorize the lower-case versions of the alphabet, and my handwriting (which is already atrocious) is now even worse.  I would show you, but, well...

In other news, classes start tomorrow.  The week starts off with Entering Christian Ministry at 8 am, followed by chapel, then Church History.  Sounds like fun, right?

Tuesday's schedule is even better: Greek at 7:45 am, chapel, then Intro to Theology and Worship, followed by a four-hour break until Congregational Studies begins.  Wednesday adds Old Testament Survey to the mix. 

Believe it or not, I'm actually excited for most of those classes.  I'm especially looking forward to Greek, despite the horror stories I've heard.  Maybe by the end of the semester I'll have changed my tune, but I'm reveling in my blissful ignorance for now.

Friendship House is wonderful.  The community here is great--just walk down the hall and you might find a movie night, an ice cream run, or a 14-mile bike ride at 7 am.  (All of those things have happened in the past 48 hours, by the way.)

To be honest, I wasn't a fan of the seminary at all when I first arrived.  But this place might just grow on me after all.  I told my mother this morning that I'll stay here until graduation, or until God tells me to leave, whichever comes first.  I don't know what God has planned for me, but I can finally trust that it will. be. epic. 

So, what's new?