My mother told me for years that "you can't fix people." I know that in my head, but I still act like I can. I want to make the pain go away, I want to give out hugs like anitbiotics fighting sadness, and I want people to wake up enjoying their lives.
But I can't make that happen. No amount of smiling, (even though it's my favorite), no amount of holiday cheer, and no amount of wine can make that happen.
This is extraordinarily difficult for me to accept. I mean, who doesn't want to make people happy?
But we can't fix. I can't fix things like depression, or illness, or dementia. I can't take away grief, or hatred, or ignorance. I can smile, I can encourage, I can give out all the hugs I want, I can make food, I can talk, I can argue, and I can simply sit and cry with people. But none of those things will fix the problems that this world brings us. They just numb the pain a little.
The risk comes when you sacrifice your own sanity to give others happiness. When you worry that sharing your problems and struggles in life might make someone else unhappy, so you simply keep them to yourself--that's when you've crossed the line. Eventually, you wind up curled up in a ball in your apartment for two days, afraid that calling someone would be an unfair intrusion into their lives.
So many struggle daily with this self-negation. It's that little voice in your head that says "you don't matter." That little voice that continually says: "you exist only for the benefit of others."
And it's a hard cycle to break. I'll argue that it's a harder cycle to break in the Church, with all of its (good and rightful) glorification of humility. We talk about "emptying ourselves" and "giving selflessly." Those are good things to talk about when the problem is pride, but that sort of talk also feeds into this cycle rather easily. The problem is compounded when self-negating people try to out-self-negate one another to help.
What's the theological response to this? What's a pastoral response? What's a human response?
I have no answers. I would love to just flip a switch and fix it, but...(see beginning of post.)
Number one - I may not have seen you face to face for a couple years...and I may not be the greatest at keeping in touch...but you're always welcome to call me. Just so you know. I've definitely been the one in a ball in the apartment far too many times, so I know how it goes. But this is to officially inform you that should that situation ever happen to you in the future, you should call and it won't be a burden! ^_^ If you don't have my number, I'll message you!
ReplyDeleteAnd number two, I just recently ran across a book called Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. In spite of the somewhat out-of-control title, I think it has some practical, Biblical wisdom on the subject of boundaries, and how to set limits to keep from getting to the point where you're so busy trying to fix others that you suddenly find you need fixing yourself... I haven't finished it yet, but so far, it's pretty helpful. And it's written by psychologists. And they based their advice on Biblical principles. So yeah... I definitely haven't even begun to figure out how the whole compassion, but yet not being able to fix people thing is supposed to work, but maybe that will help a little...? Hopefully. ^_^
Anyway. Thanks for, once again, clearly expressing things I've felt and dealt with, but didn't know how to express, haha! Hope you are well and enjoying your break! Merry Christmas! <3
Awww, thank you Christina. :) I think you did send me your phone number! Should I ever find myself in a ball, I will let you know. Love!
ReplyDeleteAnd I will have to add that book to my wish list! Because boundaries are great things, and I can be terrible at keeping them. This whole post actually came out of a long conversation with the dean of students at Western, in which I realized how much time and emotional energy I spent trying to fix people.
And I'm glad that it's true to life. :) Sometimes, I have to wonder if I'm the only one thinking these things.
Merry Christmas to you and yours, Christina! <3