Called.

Two years into this seminary journey, I am slowly coming to terms with this idea of 'call'--that I have been, somehow, plucked out of my small little life and dropped into the middle of Holland Michigan to prepare myself for ministry.

If you've kept track of my journey over the past few years, you'll know that I've spent much time and energy telling myself "don't worry--this will all blow over soon and you can go back to your 8-5 job and not think about Jean Calvin ever again." 

Because most days, including today, the thought that I will one day be responsible for a congregation terrifies me.

Precisely for this reason, Jeremiah 1:4-10 and I have issues--because every time I read it, I get this strange feeling that God is speaking to me.  The words jump out of pre-exile Israel and hit me smack in the kardia.

Now the word of the Lord came to me saying,
⁵ ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to the nations.’
⁶Then I said, ‘Ah, Lord God! Truly I do not know how to speak, for I am only a child.       ⁷But the Lord said to me,
‘Do not say, “I am only a child”;
for you shall go to all to whom I send you,
and you shall speak whatever I command you.
⁸ Do not be afraid of them,
for I am with you to deliver you,

says the Lord.’
⁹Then the Lord put out his hand and touched my mouth; and the Lord said to me,
‘Now I have put my words in your mouth.
¹⁰ See, today I appoint you over nations and over kingdoms,
to pluck up and to pull down,
to destroy and to overthrow,
to build and to plant.’

 To be clear, I make no claims to prophecy--let's face it, I can barely handle the idea that I'll someday answer to "Pastor Sarah." 

But God's words to Jeremiah resonate in a part of my soul that I can't yet find.  "Do not say 'I am only a child,' for you shall go to all to whom I send you, and you shall speak whatever I command you."  God and I have had this conversation so. many. times. 

It's almost as though there's a grieving process attached to fully accepting this call and living into it--as if I have to let go of the life that I wished I could live, with an easy 8-5 job and a cozy mine-all-mine living space, and realize that my life is no longer my own to direct or control or even make 5-year plans for.

That's not to say that I have no part to play in where I end up or how I get there.  That's not it at all.  But accepting that I am called to Christian ministry means living today in such a way that I will someday be prepared to put on that stole and a "Pastor Sarah'" nametag without having a panic attack.

That means taking my theology classes far more seriously than I do today.  That means really investing time and energy into my internship.  That means taking the steps I need to to be healthy in as many ways as possible. That means not using the dual-track program as a cop-out for all of this preparation, and actually learning my Greek vocabulary.

One of the supreme ironies in all of this came from my Preaching class two weeks ago.  Our professor printed weeks from the lectionary (the schedule of Bible readings that lots of churches use), and randomly handed them to us.  These were the passages that we would be assigned to preach our first sermon on for the class.

What passage is at the top of the list for August 25, 2013?

Jeremiah 1:4-10.

I have three other choices, too, of course--Hebrews 12, a Psalm, and something from one of the gospels. Perhaps I'll choose one of those. But looking at that lectionary page, I had to laugh.  I'm absolutely certain that God was.

Thanks for your grace as I figure all of this out, friends. Perhaps someday you'll be able to tell my congregation that I was once terrified of them, and probably still am.