Things I've Learned This Week (and last week)

Okay, I'm a week late on this post.  But I never said which Friday! 

1. Seminary is a lot of work.  This should be obvious, but I had forgotten how exhausting academia is.  There is no rest for the weary here, however, as I have three papers and a 10-minute presentation due on Tuesday. 

2. I was right.  It's hard to make friends here, and it's easy to be lonely. My one-bedroom apartment is a wonderful refuge when I'm exhausted and don't want to deal with the world, but it also makes developing friendships hard.

3. My worldview is still so, so very different from many of my peers. I was raised by a social worker who deeply ingrained in me that "you can't fix people."  I went to college in a liberal, pluralistic environment where Christianity was just one of many religions to be respected equally, or dismissed altogether.  Christian norms aren't normal to me.

4. I remember a lot more Greek than I thought that I would! I barely have to review vocabulary so far, which is fabulous.

5. There is a good reason that I wasn't a philosophy major - I have NO IDEA what philosophers are saying.  What's with the ridiculously flowery language guys?  Be an International Relations major: say what you want to say and be done with it!

Human.

In Christian Ethics this morning, we began to create a foundation on which to build the rest of our ethics, which begins with questions that have no correct answer: what makes us human? How do we know what is 'right' and 'wrong?'  Can we simply reason this out for ourselves using the world around us, or does divine revelation have a place in this chaos?

This is what seminarians excel at: asking questions that seem to have billions of answers. 

A conversation in the atrium with the director of admissions (Dr. Poppen), also made me think this morning.  We talked about random things, like his daughters' musical talents and my lack thereof, and where I prefer to study, but some lighthearted conversation about our mutual tendency to overanalyze EVERYTHING provoked some introspection. 

In several of my classes, we've gone over Descarte's "I think, therefore I am" statement and how it induced a change in the way that humans viewed themselves.  Now, I am a person who, if left to her own devices, will think and re-think and re-analyze every moment of every day.  One of my goals over the past few months has been to think less and to do more, and I've almost succeeded.  But now, I'm afraid that I may have taken the 'don't overthink everything' mantra a bit too far.

You see, in trying to make myself less self-critical, I've actually deprived myself of some necessary introspection. I forbid any self-critique, even when it's for my own good.  Although it's been nice to not have to panic about what I could've done better every moment of every day, I lose out on any sort of self-improvement.

So once again, it comes down to finding a healthy balance between introspection, processing what's going on in my head (and what comes out of it), and intense panic-inducing self-critique.

Balance, however, has never been my strong suit (as also evidenced by the intriguing number of random bruises I continue to find.)  I continue to search for it, however, and will climb back on the teeter-totter for now.

Stay tuned for a 'what I've learned this week' on Friday!

The Story

After reading my last few posts, I've realized that I left out a bit of information--mostly, how I came to be in Holland again. 

It's something that I still haven't fully processed myself, so this may not be the most sensible way of explaining it, but it's a start.

For months, I talked to several people about "when I go back to seminary...", and have always been convinced that this is somehow the right path for me.  The only question was when I would go back.

Now, one of the reasons that I left in the first place was simply that I felt intimidated by and utterly inadequate compared to my peers. Many had previous theological training and I did not, and while I was able to acheive good grades, I still felt that I lacked the proper background information to really process the information that I was given.

That, unfortunately, hasn't changed. 

But here's what has:

First, I am much more comfortable with my many shortcomings.  I've always been extremely self-conscious and more than a little too hard on myself.  (That's the only advice the psychologists gave me after the psychological testing process last year: "don't be so hard on yourself!")  And I've made progress in that arena, now that I am certain that this is really where God is leading me, and that it's a good thing for me to be here.  (The encouragement I've had this time around from others has helped a lot too, to be honest.  It's much easier to affirm this calling in myself when I hear it from other people as well.)

Second, I now know exactly what I'm getting myself into.  There will be no surprises (well, fewer surprises) and the gentlemen that wear a shirt and tie to class every day will no longer annoy the living daylights out of me.  Theological language, while I am still not fluent, will no longer sound just like Russian or Portugese.

Third, I am more comfortable with where I come from.  I've always been hard on my hometown, and I still am in many ways, but having made this my home for a few months, at least, has helped me to see the good things in it as well.  Having this foundation to build on is vital.

Finally, I am surrounded with support.  I have my classmates that I got to know well last year rooting for me, and it's been great to see them and reconnect a bit this week.  I'm also thinking about a monthly-ish prayer newsletter to send out to those who are far away, to give a bit more of a full update than the blog. If this is something you would be interested in receiving, leave a comment here or email me at myfirstname.mylastname at gmail.com. Tell your friends!

All of those things are reasons that I went back to Holland to finish what I started.

I have a vision of working in community development in a small community, most likely as a pastor or in social service administration.  I've been told that I should look into international missions.  Perhaps God will lead me somewhere completely unexpected--and I look forward to seeing what God has in store.  If the past few months are any indicator of the awesomeness that the future holds, then I'll be happy to trust the process.

New Beginnings

Today, I sat through my second year of orientation at Western Theological Seminary in Holland.

I saw many surprised faces, heard "welcome back!" at least a hundred times, and learned very little new information. 

By far the best part of my day, however, was morning prayers.  Lead by the Student Council, it was the first time since arriving in Michigan that I felt that little stir inside saying "yes, this is it. This is where you're meant to be."

Amidst the fear, anxiety, social awkwardness, and feeling slightly bad for all of the departments that had to jump through hundreds of hoops to get me to this point, there was that little island of security and hope. Lord, let's keep that, okay?

I haven't met many of the juniors quite yet, and I'm having a hard time remembering their names, but tonight is dinner at the president's house, which always includes delicious food and dancing.  Dancing makes everything better, I've found.

Someday, I will post photos of my new apartment!  It is absolutely cavernous, as I have the entire first floor of an old Victorian-style house to myself.  (Think 12-foot ceilings, an adorable kitchen, plus several living areas and a small office.)

I also don't have internet access at home yet, so when I disappear from the online world for a few days, don't be alarmed.

And finally, here's how you can pray for me this week:

Pray for the confidence to know that I'm doing the right thing by leaving so much behind to come to seminary.  Pray for this journey to begin well, and pray that I'll really be able to invest in the communities I'm surrounded by--both at Western and at my church. 

Thanks to all who have been so encouraging over the past two months as I begin this journey to ministry again!

well...

I sent my application to seminary in today, applying for the fall.

God,

If this is a bad idea, please make this easy--just let them reject me.

love,

Sarah

I enjoy making my life difficult.

My mother finally called me on it this weekend: I've been talking about seminary for months--what I wish I would have done, how I feel like I should go back but cannot fathom why, what I'll do differently.

So after a long discussion, I sent an email to the admissions department asking what I need to do to re-enroll at Western. 

Two days later, they all but have my bed made. Jill, who is absolutely wonderful, checked with the Registrar, Financial Aid, housing, the director of my program, and the admissions committee by 11:30 this morning, and I need a total of three pages before my application is complete.

They have a space for me to begin again in a month.

And now...I have a massive choice to make: do I do the seemingly responsible thing and stay in the area, get an apartment, and save money until I have enough to pay for seminary on my own, or do I follow this ridiculous gut-feeling that I need to go back and finish what I started?

I know that going back will take a lot of adjustment.  I'll be with people who seemingly speak an entirely different language. I'll be behind in Greek, and I've been out of school for 6 months.  Who knows what sort of mush my brain has turned to?

But I really can't get rid of this instinct. Countless people have told me to go back. Why don't I trust myself?

flying the coop

Yesterday, after months of indecision and fretting, I've decided that it's high time for me to suck it up and rent an apartment in Clinton.  This means I'll need to be here for at least a year, which is somewhat saddening, but it's definitely time to move out of my parents' house.

The search begins!

So far in the running are...

1. A GORGEOUS 2-bedroom apartment in the historic district, which is rather out of my price range.  But hey, if anyone needs an apartment/roommate...

2. A 1-bedroom duplex with a backyard, recently remodeled, and totally within my price range. Downside: I haven't actually seen it yet...

3. A slightly sketchy, but very reasonably priced, one-bedroom in an okay neighborhood in Clinton.

There will be more to come, hopefully, but I'm hoping that this is a decent starting point.

The race begins!

Building a Life

After much indecision, panic and frustration,

I have decided to stay put for a while.

I have far too much work to do before I can even really think about ministry.  Too many issues, too many insecurities, and too few good habits.  The last thing this world needs is another burned-out-before-they-start pastor without much life experience, right?

Have I made a million bad decisions in the past six months? 

Yes.

Will I probably continue to make bad decisions and experience the consequences?

Yes.

Will I learn a lot about myself, about others, and about what ministry looks like on a day-to-day basis? 

You betcha.

My life may not turn out roses, but I can only be the better for it.  I will continue to miss Michigan, and the people that are still studying, ministering, and seeking God's call there, but for now, this is where I need to be.

If and when it's time for me to return there, I will trust God to smack me in the face with it, leaving no doubts that it's time for me to go.

Thanks to those who have encouraged me, who have left wonderful comments or letters here or elsewhere, and to those who remind me daily that God is, indeed, working in my life. 

And now....sleep.

God sightings

At midnight last night, after seeing a late showing of MIB III, I drove home.  I have a habit of talking to myself/praying while driving alone, and last night was no exception.  I've been asking the same questions for over a year: "Where do I go? What do I do?" I'm rather impatient, so I was frustrated. But rather than a location and a job, I heard instead: "focus on being, not doing."

Translation: work on you.  Stop trying to fix everything and everyone else, and work on being comfortable with and confident in your self.  Create a life for yourself.

Love and be loved. Invest in people. Create lasting relationships. Be bold. Speak up--especially for those who need a hand. Be present in conversations and ask good questions.

Then, something rather awesome happened:  the sermon at church this morning reiterated what I heard last night word. for. word.

It's taken four months to get this far. I'm still walking that fine line between building myself up for future ministry and beating myself up because I'm not already there. But this, more than anything else that's happened in the past year, is a sign that I've made good decisions. 

This blog has really become a form of therapy, more than anything.  It will probably continue to be so for the next few months.  But hopefully, by the time I return to seminary, I will be a stronger, more confident, more balanced version of myself. 

Another month later...

I sort of gave up on this blog once I finally had a full-time job, mostly because it was comfortable and I had nothing to post about.

But lately, I've had a bit of time to think.  This is almost never a good thing.

In all of this thinking, I came to this realization: in the past year, have done almost everything on the 'never-do' list in my head.

First, I went to graduate school almost on a whim.
Then, I dropped out.
Then, I moved back to Fulton, Illinois of all places--the only place on earth I swore to never return to.

I proceeded to drop off of the face of the earth, leaving my church, my hobbies, and my sanity behind.

I went on a couple of blind dates that went absolutely nowhere.

I began to imagine a completely new future for myself, working in business after getting an MBA.

Sure, I still went through all the motions of life--I showed up to work, did what I was supposed to, and woke up the next morning to do it all over again. 

But for the last two days, that completely irrational side of me has returned with a vengeance.  Everything in my heart is telling me to go back to Michigan and finish seminary.  It makes absolutely no sense--I've only been gone for 4 months, after all.  I haven't picked up a single theological text or article since last December. Admittedly, I've barely picked up my Bible since I left. Practiced Greek vocabulary? HA! This is all not to mention the financial side of this ridiculousness.

If there were ever a time to question my own sanity, it would be now.  Why do I insist on making my own life difficult?