New Years' Resolutions

I'm a day ahead of the game, but here are a few of my New Years' Resolutions:

1. Run a 5k.  I'm still serious!
2. Read at least 12 books that I'm not required to. I haven't read anything just for fun since high school, really, and I miss getting lost in another world for a bit.
3. Volunteer at least once per week, no matter where I am.
4. Keep learning Greek on my own.  I rather enjoy that language.
5. Learn the basics of guitar.  I've had mine since July, but still don't even have a clue as to how to tune it. 

Do you have resolutions/goals for 2012?  I would love to hear them!

Pressing On

Many, many thanks to those of you who commented on my last post, here or elsewhere!  I am always grateful for extra thoughts and insights.

After a lot (A LOT) of freaking out, a lot of time spent looking at jobs, a lot of time spent talking through this with others, and a lot of processing the last semester, I've decided to withdraw from Western.  There are a lot of things I'll miss, but I think this is for the best.

For now, I'll be moving back to my parents' house in Fulton.  For the long term, I have already applied for several positions, mostly located in Chicago and Boston.  I'll also be applying soon for an Americorps opportunity in Rhode Island that I'm really excited about!

This is not the end of my seminary journey, not by any means.  I plan on either transferring to a different school depending on where I end up, attending part-time while working, or I'll return later as a full-time student.  I may change degree programs, or I may stay with the M.Div.  We'll see what happens when that time comes!

All in all, I feel good about this.  I'm pretty certain that this is going to be a good thing.  The hardest part, though, is yet to come--the actual act of leaving.  I am terrible at goodbyes.

Decisions, Compromises, and Lingering Questions

I'm not sure that pastoral ministry is something I should be doing.

There, I said it! 

The more I process this semester, including the things I loved, the things I hated, and the giant chunk that fell somewhere in between, the more I realize that I've been trying to stuff myself into this 'ideal pastor' box and not being myself.  I am socially awkward, I am (gasp!) a liberal, I enjoy margaritas once in a while, and I swear sometimes (read: more often than a seminarian probably should.)  But I love people.  I love helping people and listening to their stories.  I love coordinating programs.  I enjoy having projects to work on, and I love learning.  I'm not saying that none of those things also characterize a good pastor, but I'm starting to think that I am just not cut out for this.  I can do the bookwork, believe me.  If I've calculated properly, I will have a B or better in all of my classes.  But I don't feel like I can be my slightly wacky self at Western.  I knew that this would probably happen before I even got there, but I went anyway, hoping and praying that I was wrong. 

So now, a decision has to be made.  Do I continue on there, disliking it as much as I do?  Do I show up for a second semester hoping that things get better?  Or do I apply for jobs in the next two weeks, switch to the distance learning program, and move somewhere else?  Or do I drop out of seminary altogether, and go to work somewhere?  Do I switch degree programs?

I'm not going to lie to you, the last two options are the most appealing at this very moment.  I don't plan on making any decisions tonight, but this is what's going on in my head right now.  Advice, a smack on the head, or insights, from those willing to offer them, are always valued. 

All of that said, here's what I don't want you to take away from this post:

Don't think that I'm completely unhappy.  My classes have broadened my faith and I've fallen in love with the Church all over again.  I found what church is meant to be, and I love it. 

Don't think that everyone at Western is a terrible person.  There are some wonderfully genuine people there, and the faculty are brilliant and caring, for the most part.  It's culture shock, more than anything, that gets me down.

Even if I do leave, this is not the end of my involvement in ministry.  Even if I don't wind up with an M.Div., I will always be heavily involved in churches and advocacy organizations.  This thought keeps me in check--God, after all, has a calling for each of us.  But that call isn't always to pastoral ministry.

Finally, this last semester was not a waste.  Western was definitely the place that I needed to be this fall.  I will walk away with more insight and theological knowledge (and questions) than I ever thought I could absorb in a single semester.  

All said and done, I don't know where I'll be in a year.  Hell, I don't even know where I'll be in 3 months.  There's something exciting about this, and something terrifying about these decisions, compromises, and lingering questions.

Sorry 'bout that.

I forgot to come back and post about the lectures last week!  In fact, I realized that I never actually explained them in the first place.  So here's a snippet:

The Ryan Ende Lectures on Human Sexuality are (to my knowledge) an annual event at Western, when the community gathers around questions of sexuality, gender, and other such questions.  They are named after the late Ryan Ende, a graduate of Western who passed away in 2008, and was openly gay.

The first night of the lecture series featured a more social-science approach, where the speaker attempted to explain the differences between gender, sex, and sexuality, present the gender continuum, and offer a basic introduction to the biblical questions surrounding those topics.

The second night featured Western's Jim Brownson, who is sort of infamous in the seminary community for blowing our minds with his incredible knowledge of Greek and his technical examinations of biblical texts.  He succeeded once again, dissecting Romans 6 in such a way that blew the cover off of things like gender complimentarity and opened the door for a much more productive discussion.  He offered no answers (as is typical of Western's profs), but rather left us to draw our own conclusions.

If I think about it (or someone reminds me), perhaps I'll post my notes.

Life is constantly proving me wrong.

Snapshot of my Monday:
8 am - 9:30 am: Peer Group/Formation for Ministry
9:40-10:10 am: Chapel and announcements
10:20-11:20 am: Church History
12:00 pm - 4 pm: Workin' in the library
4 - 5 pm: Meeting with a psychiatrist to discuss my psychological testing results
5 - 6:20 pm: Grocery shopping
6:30 - 8:30 pm: Ryan Ende lectures on human sexuality

Holy wow, it's been a long day. But I have SO MUCH to tell you! So here's another edition of "things I learned today."

1. I am NOT, in fact, an introvert. According to three different psychological tests, I am simply an extremely self-conscious extrovert. Thus, the title of this post. (Of course, this comes less than a week after I told several rooms full of people and Facebook that I'm an introvert.)

2. Psychological tests, when you're honest in taking them, are scarily accurate. The good news, though, is that I'm not crazy!

3. Christians aren't all human-hating, ridiculous, perfectionist creatures. I wish I could write more about the Ende lecture tonight, and how incredibly refreshing it was to not be doused in hate for two hours, but I'll have to write more tomorrow when my mind is not full of twelve different things I'm supposed to be doing right now. So check back here at this time tomorrow!

"You suck, try harder," and letting go.

"You suck, try harder." 

In Jim Belcher's book, Deep Church, he references this in the preaching section.  It characterizes so much of the preaching that happens in American churches today, and sums it up in just those four words.  We've put the cart before the horse, so to speak, and we've forgotten that good deeds and a life worthy of bearing the name 'Christian' come from faith, not before it. (In other words, you can't expect someone who is not a Christian to act, think, and believe in the same way that a Christian does.)  So many pastors have forgotten to preach the "mystery of the faith", as the Communion Prayer calls it: "Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again!"  They've been so busy preaching about how to act/look/think/politic like a 'good Christian', they forgot the whole point. 

I could rant about this for ages, but I'll leave you there to think about that for a while.

On a somewhat related note, the theme of the rest of 2011 is letting go. 

Letting go of my own self-doubt, letting go of my own desire to be better at life, to be a different person, letting go of damaged relationships that just can't be repaired, and letting go of this death grip I've had (pun maybe intended) on the direction of my life.  As of right now, it's full-steam-ahead for seminary.  I'm staying until God throws me out, which hopefully will not happen tomorrow.

I have interviews tomorrow afternoon with my classis (regional body of church governance) to come under care of the classis.  This is a requirement for ordination in the Reformed Church in America (RCA), and this is how they sort of keep an eye on pastors-in-training.  They give us oral exams at the end of every academic year, they check in on us spiritually, they offer help when needed, etc.  (It sounds like a really great thing until you get to the exams, right?)

I've been told that this is sort of a formality, and that since my church's consistory has enthusiastically recommended me to the classis, it shouldn't be a problem.  But I never believe it when someone tells me that.  I do my best to not make assumptions.  If something ridiculous happens tomorrow, and I see God telling me "you know what, Sarah, this really isn't for you," then I'll laugh at myself for a while and start over. 

Until then, I'm letting go and moving on. The sign my mother hung in the living room when I was young still hangs in the house: "get over it, get on with it."

Goals for 2012

Yes, I realize it's only November. I'm OK with that. This list will be added to as the year finishes up!

1. Learn the basics of guitar. Even if I can't actually play anything by the end of the year, I would at least like to know how to tune the thing!

2. Spend less time online and more time with real humans. It's not that you all aren't real humans, and I love you all dearly. But I think I'm spending too much time wishing I could be with all of you wonderful people scattered across the world, and not quite enough time investing in the lives of the people in the immediate vicinity.

3. Run a 5K race. (It's OK, I giggled a little when I wrote that, too. But I'm serious!)

A thought from Roger

Towards the end of my time at Knox, I had the privilege of having lunch with Roger and Anne Taylor, as well as Professor Hulett and a wonderful Knox alumni.  I had received the Rev. Pete Hosutt Scholarship, named in honor of a member of the class of '55 who spent several decades as an Army chaplain.  After explaining that I was coming to seminary this fall, they proceeded to ask the question that every recent graduate hates: 'so what are you going to do with that?' 

I explained that althought I have no certain plans, I'm looking for something in pastoral ministry, possibly as a parish pastor or a chaplain.  Then, the next inevitable question came from Tony, a friend of Rev. Hosutt: 'Have you considered being an Army chaplain?'

To be honest, at that point I really hadn't.  I'm not sure how I feel about military service.  But then Roger piped up: "You should be a Navy chaplain!  They have better uniforms anyway."

We laughed, and Anne explained that Roger spent some time in the Navy at some point.  The conversation continued and drifted from my plans, but Roger's comment stuck with me for some silly reason.  I researched it a bit, and found that it might actually be feasible.  (Navy chaplains, unlike chaplains in other branches, are officially non-combatants and are not authorized to carry weapons or participate in combat.  That was definitely a non-negotiable.)  And I know for a fact that there are female chaplains throughout the Navy, somewhat allaying my fears of being a female pastor. 

I keep coming back to this, and I can't really figure out why.  Maybe it's my slightly unhealthy need to have some concrete plan or goal.  Maybe it's something different.  But I keep thinking about it. 

What if this, of all things, is my calling?  It's a slightly terrifying thought.  But it's possible. 

Do you have thoughts?  I would love to hear them.  Obviously, I still have two years of seminary left if I decide that this is really what God has called me to.  I won't be running off to join the Navy anytime soon.  But it's a thought, and one that just won't leave me alone...

Things I've learned this week

1. I'm so glad I went to Knox.  Even if I come in somewhat behind in theology and church history, I have learned how to learn.  I learned how to write.  I learned how to budget time and prioritize, (even though I still sucked at that when I graduated.)  Above all, it was intense.  Even though I have six classes, they aren't nearly as difficult as Knox's classes.  (The longest paper I've had to write so far was 1200 words.) 

2. I do, however, need to spend more time studying Greek.  I can translate wonderfully, but I have no desire whatsoever to memorize vocabulary or verb endings.  This is not a problem for homework, but is definitely affecting my daily quiz grades. 

3.  I have far too much time on my hands.  This is closely related to the first thing.  At this point in November, I'm usually going crazy with finals week approaching far too quickly.  But right now, I have more than a month until finals (which is both a blessing and a curse), and I spend far too much time staring at the internet.  Thus, if anyone knows of some great work-from-home jobs, I would be more than happy to hear about them.

4.  Sleep is not for the weak.  In fact, sleep is a glorious thing.  My Knox motto was something to the effect of "I'll sleep when I'm dead."  Now, though, I can head to bed at 8:30 pm if I so please.  Call me an old lady if you like, but I do so enjoy sleeping.

5. I need to read more.  I just came back from a panel discussion with two local pastors and the seminary's president, who talked about what it looks like to read in the pastoral life.  Since I also work in the library, I see every new book that goes on the shelves.  I want to read all of them!  But at the same time, I'm far too overwhelmed already by theological reading, and if I read one more thing about original sin and/or predestination, I might punch something. 

6. In Church History, we spent the past week redefining words and throwing some out.  For example, there is no such thing as Augustinian thought, because Augustine's writings are all over the place on almost every issue.  There's also no such thing as 'Greek thought.'  Those two phrases are now anathema in the seminary. 

7.  Apparently, blogging looks remarkably like homework.  My Old Testament professor thought I was sitting in the atrium being studious.  Alas...

Things I should be doing right now

Here's another edition of 'things I should be doing right now.' 

1. Writing my Church History paper.  (Interestingly enough, this paper has very little to do with church history, but it's a part of the M.Div version of a thesis, called a Credo, which we work on in small chunks over three years.)

2.  Cleaning my room.  It's not dirty, per se, but rather full of laundry which needs to be done.

3.  Reading anything but silly online news articles.  (See the Onion for some great sarcasm and punditry!)

4.  Studying my wonderful Greek verb tenses.  I have to admit, that class was a lot more fun when there were only three tenses, instead of eight.  (Tenses we've done so far: Present Active Indicative, Present Middle/Passive Indicative, Imperfect Active Indicative, Imperfect Middle/Passive Indicative, Future Active Indicative, Future Middle Indicative, First Aorist and Second Aorist.  I think.)

5.  Eating dinner, rather than drinking massive amounts of tea.  (4 cups and counting!)
(Edit: gave in and made dinner.  Check.)