At midnight last night, after seeing a late showing of MIB III, I drove home. I have a habit of talking to myself/praying while driving alone, and last night was no exception. I've been asking the same questions for over a year: "Where do I go? What do I do?" I'm rather impatient, so I was frustrated. But rather than a location and a job, I heard instead: "focus on being, not doing."
Translation: work on you. Stop trying to fix everything and everyone else, and work on being comfortable with and confident in your self. Create a life for yourself.
Love and be loved. Invest in people. Create lasting relationships. Be bold. Speak up--especially for those who need a hand. Be present in conversations and ask good questions.
Then, something rather awesome happened: the sermon at church this morning reiterated what I heard last night word. for. word.
It's taken four months to get this far. I'm still walking that fine line between building myself up for future ministry and beating myself up because I'm not already there. But this, more than anything else that's happened in the past year, is a sign that I've made good decisions.
This blog has really become a form of therapy, more than anything. It will probably continue to be so for the next few months. But hopefully, by the time I return to seminary, I will be a stronger, more confident, more balanced version of myself.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Another month later...
I sort of gave up on this blog once I finally had a full-time job, mostly because it was comfortable and I had nothing to post about.
But lately, I've had a bit of time to think. This is almost never a good thing.
In all of this thinking, I came to this realization: in the past year, have done almost everything on the 'never-do' list in my head.
First, I went to graduate school almost on a whim.
Then, I dropped out.
Then, I moved back to Fulton, Illinois of all places--the only place on earth I swore to never return to.
I proceeded to drop off of the face of the earth, leaving my church, my hobbies, and my sanity behind.
I went on a couple of blind dates that went absolutely nowhere.
I began to imagine a completely new future for myself, working in business after getting an MBA.
Sure, I still went through all the motions of life--I showed up to work, did what I was supposed to, and woke up the next morning to do it all over again.
But for the last two days, that completely irrational side of me has returned with a vengeance. Everything in my heart is telling me to go back to Michigan and finish seminary. It makes absolutely no sense--I've only been gone for 4 months, after all. I haven't picked up a single theological text or article since last December. Admittedly, I've barely picked up my Bible since I left. Practiced Greek vocabulary? HA! This is all not to mention the financial side of this ridiculousness.
If there were ever a time to question my own sanity, it would be now. Why do I insist on making my own life difficult?
But lately, I've had a bit of time to think. This is almost never a good thing.
In all of this thinking, I came to this realization: in the past year, have done almost everything on the 'never-do' list in my head.
First, I went to graduate school almost on a whim.
Then, I dropped out.
Then, I moved back to Fulton, Illinois of all places--the only place on earth I swore to never return to.
I proceeded to drop off of the face of the earth, leaving my church, my hobbies, and my sanity behind.
I went on a couple of blind dates that went absolutely nowhere.
I began to imagine a completely new future for myself, working in business after getting an MBA.
Sure, I still went through all the motions of life--I showed up to work, did what I was supposed to, and woke up the next morning to do it all over again.
But for the last two days, that completely irrational side of me has returned with a vengeance. Everything in my heart is telling me to go back to Michigan and finish seminary. It makes absolutely no sense--I've only been gone for 4 months, after all. I haven't picked up a single theological text or article since last December. Admittedly, I've barely picked up my Bible since I left. Practiced Greek vocabulary? HA! This is all not to mention the financial side of this ridiculousness.
If there were ever a time to question my own sanity, it would be now. Why do I insist on making my own life difficult?
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Tired
That pretty much sums up the last month. I'm just really, really tired.
I got the job at Ashford as a Student Advisor, quit my Direct Care job, and have been working full time at AU for two weeks now.
And, as I should have guessed, all of my best-laid plans have gone out the window. My plans to be really involved in my home church, my plans to visit Knox, my plans to start running.
I don't want this to sound whiny, but perhaps it already does. I have no reason to be this tired, really. I just can't shake it.
Turning your life upside down is just really, really draining. Meeting new people, re-meeting people you knew a long time ago, and trying to fit into an entirely new place gets rather old when you hit the fourth time in a year.
And yet, I can't wait to do it again. I want nothing more than to move to a bigger city, turn my life upside down all over again, and start over. But I keep thinking about why I came back here in the first place--to make peace with this place and all of the bad memories and insecurity that comes along with it.
Running away is just so much easier.
I got the job at Ashford as a Student Advisor, quit my Direct Care job, and have been working full time at AU for two weeks now.
And, as I should have guessed, all of my best-laid plans have gone out the window. My plans to be really involved in my home church, my plans to visit Knox, my plans to start running.
I don't want this to sound whiny, but perhaps it already does. I have no reason to be this tired, really. I just can't shake it.
Turning your life upside down is just really, really draining. Meeting new people, re-meeting people you knew a long time ago, and trying to fit into an entirely new place gets rather old when you hit the fourth time in a year.
And yet, I can't wait to do it again. I want nothing more than to move to a bigger city, turn my life upside down all over again, and start over. But I keep thinking about why I came back here in the first place--to make peace with this place and all of the bad memories and insecurity that comes along with it.
Running away is just so much easier.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
"Still."
One month later...
I am still living with my parents, which is still frustrating. I am still at New Choices as a Direct Care Associate, and I've been working on my own for a few weeks now. I am still looking for something better.
This job is not really what I expected, and I'm not terribly good at it. It is essentially babysitting adults, which is not my cup of tea. I hope that doesn't sound condescending, but it's true. I spend my time making sure that my clients behave well in public, don't destroy things, and don't spend all of their money on Taco Bell and gum. Throw in the occasional karaoke night, weekly dodgeball, and a whole lot of Lifetime movies, and you pretty much have my job.
I wholeheartedly appreciate the loving, wonderful, caring people that do this job every day and absolutely love it. If there is anything I've learned in the past month, though, it is this: I am not cut out for direct social services.
I am hoping and praying, though, that I will hear from a recruiter at Ashford University this week about an open Student Advisor position, which I interviewed for on Monday! The interview went really well, and now there are just references to check. I might be freaking out a little bit.
Here's to hoping for another new start!
I am still living with my parents, which is still frustrating. I am still at New Choices as a Direct Care Associate, and I've been working on my own for a few weeks now. I am still looking for something better.
This job is not really what I expected, and I'm not terribly good at it. It is essentially babysitting adults, which is not my cup of tea. I hope that doesn't sound condescending, but it's true. I spend my time making sure that my clients behave well in public, don't destroy things, and don't spend all of their money on Taco Bell and gum. Throw in the occasional karaoke night, weekly dodgeball, and a whole lot of Lifetime movies, and you pretty much have my job.
I wholeheartedly appreciate the loving, wonderful, caring people that do this job every day and absolutely love it. If there is anything I've learned in the past month, though, it is this: I am not cut out for direct social services.
I am hoping and praying, though, that I will hear from a recruiter at Ashford University this week about an open Student Advisor position, which I interviewed for on Monday! The interview went really well, and now there are just references to check. I might be freaking out a little bit.
Here's to hoping for another new start!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
home
For those not following Facebook posts, know that I am alive and well in Fulton. It's a difficult transition to make, going from living on my own and cooking for myself to living with my parents again. I won't lecture you on the specifics, but it's incredibly frustrating sometimes.
The thing I miss the most, though, is my church. I was only at Servant's for 5 months, but I really miss the intellectual community there. People here (or at least the ones I know) don't talk about art, don't seem to care about community development, and don't particularly care for theological conversations. I've only been here for two weeks, but I feel ready to explode with questions and conversations. The internet is full of places to debate these things, but it's just not the same.
A major plus, though, is that I already have a job! I start Monday as a Direct Care Associate at New Choices, Inc, where I'll be working with people with disabilities as an assistant/caregiver of sorts. I have several weeks of training before I actually start giving one-on-one care to clients, but I'm rather excited to start this. It's going to be an excellent entry into the social work field, I should think.
I've also decided not to run for political office. Even I don't know what my political views are anymore, and that doesn't look so great on a campaign poster: "Vote for Sarah Juist, because she's as confused as you are!"
I have no idea how long I'll be here, but here's to hoping that I don't lose the rest of my sanity in the meantime!
The thing I miss the most, though, is my church. I was only at Servant's for 5 months, but I really miss the intellectual community there. People here (or at least the ones I know) don't talk about art, don't seem to care about community development, and don't particularly care for theological conversations. I've only been here for two weeks, but I feel ready to explode with questions and conversations. The internet is full of places to debate these things, but it's just not the same.
A major plus, though, is that I already have a job! I start Monday as a Direct Care Associate at New Choices, Inc, where I'll be working with people with disabilities as an assistant/caregiver of sorts. I have several weeks of training before I actually start giving one-on-one care to clients, but I'm rather excited to start this. It's going to be an excellent entry into the social work field, I should think.
I've also decided not to run for political office. Even I don't know what my political views are anymore, and that doesn't look so great on a campaign poster: "Vote for Sarah Juist, because she's as confused as you are!"
I have no idea how long I'll be here, but here's to hoping that I don't lose the rest of my sanity in the meantime!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
already and not yet
Theology professors love that phrase. I'm confused by it, mostly, but it fits quite well into my life right now.
In case you didn't read the last two or three posts, here's a bit of news: I'm leaving Western Theological Seminary in four days to move back into my parents' house in Illinois.
The reactions to this news have been interesting so far: they ranged from shock and sadness to "well, I saw that coming..." to a bit of excitement as they realized that my library job was up for grabs. (Family and friends in Fulton at least feigned excitement at my moving back indefinitely, but check back here in a few weeks to see how that's going.)
The last sentence of my previous post is so true, however: the hardest part is the act of leaving. Saying goodbye is never easy, no matter how short a time you've spent somewhere. Despite only being here six months and not really developing a whole lot of deep relationships, I have cried more in the last two weeks than I have since leaving Knox.
But because I have to explain this to my church on Sunday, here's a short (I hope) explanation of how this decision came to be:
If you've read any of my previous blog posts, you know that I never really felt at home here. I didn't come in with any sort of theological background, and although I loved my classes, there was always a nagging feeling that I don't belong here.
That triggered a desire to transfer seminaries, and the most likely option was Chicago Theological Seminary. I looked at MSW (Master of Social Work) programs in the same area, as I feel more and more drawn to that field. Then, I realized how indecisive I am and unsure of which degree I really should get. That lead me to apply for several different jobs, mostly in social work/non-profit organizations, to test the field and gain some experience. Then came a slightly terrifying realization: I would either have to continue attending school and rack up some more student loans while waiting to hear from those organizations, or move back to Fulton--something I swore I would never do. (That was my first mistake.)
In processing that realization, I also realized that I've been running away from a lot of things and people from my past (read: Fulton) that I really need to deal with in one way or another in order to move on with my life and cease living in this fear of inadequacy.
It was then that I realized just how much growing up I need to do before I can even think about becoming a pastor. That solidified my decision to leave, and I began sending emails. I fully expect to be drawn back to seminary somewhere, someday. This has been a great taste of what's ahead, thus the title of this post: already, and not yet.
I have no idea how long I will be in Fulton. I would love to stay long enough to put down some semblance of roots before I gallavant away again, but I don't know if that's part of God's plan for me. I could be in any number of places three months from now. That thought is exciting, exhausting, and terrifying all at once.
In other news: packing is easier than I thought, but my room looks like a tornado went through it.
In case you didn't read the last two or three posts, here's a bit of news: I'm leaving Western Theological Seminary in four days to move back into my parents' house in Illinois.
The reactions to this news have been interesting so far: they ranged from shock and sadness to "well, I saw that coming..." to a bit of excitement as they realized that my library job was up for grabs. (Family and friends in Fulton at least feigned excitement at my moving back indefinitely, but check back here in a few weeks to see how that's going.)
The last sentence of my previous post is so true, however: the hardest part is the act of leaving. Saying goodbye is never easy, no matter how short a time you've spent somewhere. Despite only being here six months and not really developing a whole lot of deep relationships, I have cried more in the last two weeks than I have since leaving Knox.
But because I have to explain this to my church on Sunday, here's a short (I hope) explanation of how this decision came to be:
If you've read any of my previous blog posts, you know that I never really felt at home here. I didn't come in with any sort of theological background, and although I loved my classes, there was always a nagging feeling that I don't belong here.
That triggered a desire to transfer seminaries, and the most likely option was Chicago Theological Seminary. I looked at MSW (Master of Social Work) programs in the same area, as I feel more and more drawn to that field. Then, I realized how indecisive I am and unsure of which degree I really should get. That lead me to apply for several different jobs, mostly in social work/non-profit organizations, to test the field and gain some experience. Then came a slightly terrifying realization: I would either have to continue attending school and rack up some more student loans while waiting to hear from those organizations, or move back to Fulton--something I swore I would never do. (That was my first mistake.)
In processing that realization, I also realized that I've been running away from a lot of things and people from my past (read: Fulton) that I really need to deal with in one way or another in order to move on with my life and cease living in this fear of inadequacy.
It was then that I realized just how much growing up I need to do before I can even think about becoming a pastor. That solidified my decision to leave, and I began sending emails. I fully expect to be drawn back to seminary somewhere, someday. This has been a great taste of what's ahead, thus the title of this post: already, and not yet.
I have no idea how long I will be in Fulton. I would love to stay long enough to put down some semblance of roots before I gallavant away again, but I don't know if that's part of God's plan for me. I could be in any number of places three months from now. That thought is exciting, exhausting, and terrifying all at once.
In other news: packing is easier than I thought, but my room looks like a tornado went through it.
Monday, January 2, 2012
the beginning of the end
I arrived in Holland around 8:30 pm last night, after spending a few hours driving 35 mph on the interstate through a blizzard that started directly after I crossed the state line into Michigan. Suffice it to say that lake effect snow and I are not friends.
Today, I started the withdrawal process. I knew this was going to be hard, but it's even harder than I thought it would be. The heavy sighs, wide eyes, and slightly shocked faces don't make it any easier. I'm already emotionally exhausted, and I haven't notified my classmates or my teaching church yet.
Tomorrow, I leave for a 5-day Spiritual Disciplines retreat. Then begins the madness of packing, paperwork, and finishing up projects at the library. I have probably a couple hundred books to process, both going into and leaving the library's collections. I also have to figure out how this massive amount of stuff is going to fit into my car all at once. All of it made it here, right?
All of that said, I'm tired, emotionally and physically, of moving every three to five months. Leaving behind people that I've grown to like and trying to readjust to a new place and new people used to be fun and exciting. Now, I'm simply exhausted and I feel like a drifter--home has become wherever I'm sleeping that night.
In other news, yet another option has been added to the already long list of things I could do with my life: my father, in all seriousness, suggested that I run for the Illinois General Assembly this November. I would have to run as an independent, but considering the ridiculousness that is party politics right now, I would be OK with that. I'm completely eligible, too--I checked.
I'll post a "things I learned in 2011" list sometime soon. I'll also update the photos section with the two sets of decent family photos that now exist!
Thanks to those who take the time to read this. Always appreciated.
Today, I started the withdrawal process. I knew this was going to be hard, but it's even harder than I thought it would be. The heavy sighs, wide eyes, and slightly shocked faces don't make it any easier. I'm already emotionally exhausted, and I haven't notified my classmates or my teaching church yet.
Tomorrow, I leave for a 5-day Spiritual Disciplines retreat. Then begins the madness of packing, paperwork, and finishing up projects at the library. I have probably a couple hundred books to process, both going into and leaving the library's collections. I also have to figure out how this massive amount of stuff is going to fit into my car all at once. All of it made it here, right?
All of that said, I'm tired, emotionally and physically, of moving every three to five months. Leaving behind people that I've grown to like and trying to readjust to a new place and new people used to be fun and exciting. Now, I'm simply exhausted and I feel like a drifter--home has become wherever I'm sleeping that night.
In other news, yet another option has been added to the already long list of things I could do with my life: my father, in all seriousness, suggested that I run for the Illinois General Assembly this November. I would have to run as an independent, but considering the ridiculousness that is party politics right now, I would be OK with that. I'm completely eligible, too--I checked.
I'll post a "things I learned in 2011" list sometime soon. I'll also update the photos section with the two sets of decent family photos that now exist!
Thanks to those who take the time to read this. Always appreciated.
Friday, December 30, 2011
New Years' Resolutions
I'm a day ahead of the game, but here are a few of my New Years' Resolutions:
- Run a 5k. I'm still serious!
- Read at least 12 books that I'm not required to. I haven't read anything just for fun since high school, really, and I miss getting lost in another world for a bit.
- Volunteer at least once per week, no matter where I am.
- Keep learning Greek on my own. I rather enjoy that language.
- Learn the basics of guitar. I've had mine since July, but still don't even have a clue as to how to tune it.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Pressing On
Many, many thanks to those of you who commented on my last post, here or elsewhere! I am always grateful for extra thoughts and insights.
After a lot (A LOT) of freaking out, a lot of time spent looking at jobs, a lot of time spent talking through this with others, and a lot of processing the last semester, I've decided to withdraw from Western. There are a lot of things I'll miss, but I think this is for the best.
For now, I'll be moving back to my parents' house in Fulton. For the long term, I have already applied for several positions, mostly located in Chicago and Boston. I'll also be applying soon for an Americorps opportunity in Rhode Island that I'm really excited about!
This is not the end of my seminary journey, not by any means. I plan on either transferring to a different school depending on where I end up, attending part-time while working, or I'll return later as a full-time student. I may change degree programs, or I may stay with the M.Div. We'll see what happens when that time comes!
All in all, I feel good about this. I'm pretty certain that this is going to be a good thing. The hardest part, though, is yet to come--the actual act of leaving. I am terrible at goodbyes.
After a lot (A LOT) of freaking out, a lot of time spent looking at jobs, a lot of time spent talking through this with others, and a lot of processing the last semester, I've decided to withdraw from Western. There are a lot of things I'll miss, but I think this is for the best.
For now, I'll be moving back to my parents' house in Fulton. For the long term, I have already applied for several positions, mostly located in Chicago and Boston. I'll also be applying soon for an Americorps opportunity in Rhode Island that I'm really excited about!
This is not the end of my seminary journey, not by any means. I plan on either transferring to a different school depending on where I end up, attending part-time while working, or I'll return later as a full-time student. I may change degree programs, or I may stay with the M.Div. We'll see what happens when that time comes!
All in all, I feel good about this. I'm pretty certain that this is going to be a good thing. The hardest part, though, is yet to come--the actual act of leaving. I am terrible at goodbyes.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Decisions, Compromises, and Lingering Questions
I'm not sure that pastoral ministry is something I should be doing.
There, I said it!
The more I process this semester, including the things I loved, the things I hated, and the giant chunk that fell somewhere in between, the more I realize that I've been trying to stuff myself into this 'ideal pastor' box and not being myself. I am socially awkward, I am (gasp!) a liberal, I enjoy margaritas once in a while, and I swear sometimes (read: more often than a seminarian probably should.) But I love people. I love helping people and listening to their stories. I love coordinating programs. I enjoy having projects to work on, and I love learning. I'm not saying that none of those things also characterize a good pastor, but I'm starting to think that I am just not cut out for this. I can do the bookwork, believe me. If I've calculated properly, I will have a B or better in all of my classes. But I don't feel like I can be my slightly wacky self at Western. I knew that this would probably happen before I even got there, but I went anyway, hoping and praying that I was wrong.
So now, a decision has to be made. Do I continue on there, disliking it as much as I do? Do I show up for a second semester hoping that things get better? Or do I apply for jobs in the next two weeks, switch to the distance learning program, and move somewhere else? Or do I drop out of seminary altogether, and go to work somewhere? Do I switch degree programs?
I'm not going to lie to you, the last two options are the most appealing at this very moment. I don't plan on making any decisions tonight, but this is what's going on in my head right now. Advice, a smack on the head, or insights, from those willing to offer them, are always valued.
All of that said, here's what I don't want you to take away from this post:
Don't think that I'm completely unhappy. My classes have broadened my faith and I've fallen in love with the Church all over again. I found what church is meant to be, and I love it.
Don't think that everyone at Western is a terrible person. There are some wonderfully genuine people there, and the faculty are brilliant and caring, for the most part. It's culture shock, more than anything, that gets me down.
Even if I do leave, this is not the end of my involvement in ministry. Even if I don't wind up with an M.Div., I will always be heavily involved in churches and advocacy organizations. This thought keeps me in check--God, after all, has a calling for each of us. But that call isn't always to pastoral ministry.
Finally, this last semester was not a waste. Western was definitely the place that I needed to be this fall. I will walk away with more insight and theological knowledge (and questions) than I ever thought I could absorb in a single semester.
All said and done, I don't know where I'll be in a year. Hell, I don't even know where I'll be in 3 months. There's something exciting about this, and something terrifying about these decisions, compromises, and lingering questions.
There, I said it!
The more I process this semester, including the things I loved, the things I hated, and the giant chunk that fell somewhere in between, the more I realize that I've been trying to stuff myself into this 'ideal pastor' box and not being myself. I am socially awkward, I am (gasp!) a liberal, I enjoy margaritas once in a while, and I swear sometimes (read: more often than a seminarian probably should.) But I love people. I love helping people and listening to their stories. I love coordinating programs. I enjoy having projects to work on, and I love learning. I'm not saying that none of those things also characterize a good pastor, but I'm starting to think that I am just not cut out for this. I can do the bookwork, believe me. If I've calculated properly, I will have a B or better in all of my classes. But I don't feel like I can be my slightly wacky self at Western. I knew that this would probably happen before I even got there, but I went anyway, hoping and praying that I was wrong.
So now, a decision has to be made. Do I continue on there, disliking it as much as I do? Do I show up for a second semester hoping that things get better? Or do I apply for jobs in the next two weeks, switch to the distance learning program, and move somewhere else? Or do I drop out of seminary altogether, and go to work somewhere? Do I switch degree programs?
I'm not going to lie to you, the last two options are the most appealing at this very moment. I don't plan on making any decisions tonight, but this is what's going on in my head right now. Advice, a smack on the head, or insights, from those willing to offer them, are always valued.
All of that said, here's what I don't want you to take away from this post:
Don't think that I'm completely unhappy. My classes have broadened my faith and I've fallen in love with the Church all over again. I found what church is meant to be, and I love it.
Don't think that everyone at Western is a terrible person. There are some wonderfully genuine people there, and the faculty are brilliant and caring, for the most part. It's culture shock, more than anything, that gets me down.
Even if I do leave, this is not the end of my involvement in ministry. Even if I don't wind up with an M.Div., I will always be heavily involved in churches and advocacy organizations. This thought keeps me in check--God, after all, has a calling for each of us. But that call isn't always to pastoral ministry.
Finally, this last semester was not a waste. Western was definitely the place that I needed to be this fall. I will walk away with more insight and theological knowledge (and questions) than I ever thought I could absorb in a single semester.
All said and done, I don't know where I'll be in a year. Hell, I don't even know where I'll be in 3 months. There's something exciting about this, and something terrifying about these decisions, compromises, and lingering questions.
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